Breathe Me

A Little Too Much

She would not show that she was afraid,
But being and feeling alone was too much to face,
Though everyone said that she was so strong,
What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,
But she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn't let it get in her way,
Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much.

Alison's POV

All I can do is squeeze my eyes shut and sob as Emily rubs my back, trying to soothe me.

"It'll be okay Ali." She whispers softly. "You'll be okay."

I can't respond. I can't even speak.

Finally she has to go grocery shopping. I wipe my eyes and start writing in my diary.

Why I Can't Speak:

My throat is swollen. It feels as though it's coated in thick black smoke. My lips are dried,cracked, rubbed raw.

If I open my mouth everything might spill out. And what will people think? And what will people do? And how will I handle it all? So it's a good thing my mouth is sewn shut. And it's a good thing my throat is closed up. Because if I could do it, if I could speak... the words would be too horrible.

"Ali?"

I shut my diary quickly and look up to see Spencer.

I force a minuscule smile. It may be tiny but it takes all my energy to muster. "Hey."

She sits next to me on the bed. "How are you doing?"

I hug my diary to my chest and shrug. "Okay."

She pauses. "Y'know... We can all hear you sobbing at night."

Just like that my face crumbles and it all falls down.

I begin to sob, my face scrunching up. "Spence..." I choke out, squeezing my eyes closed.

"Yeah?" She says, grabbing my hand.

I don't open my eyes "Why did all of this have to happen to me? Aren't I done with my karma yet? I got buried alive by my own mother. I had to go on the run at fifteen. I had to be stalked and almost killed multiple times. When I came home my mother was dead and everyone hated me. Emily rejected me. I almost killed myself. I ran away again and Emily found me. I was finally happy. And now this. When does it end?" I finally open my eyes.

She stares at me, speechless. Then she just hugs me.

I forgot how good Spencer's hugs feel. She doesn't look it, but she gives the best hugs. She doesn't do it often, so when she does she means it.

"Alison you'll be okay. I can't promise that this is the end. But you're strong."

"Okay." I wipe my eyes. "I'm gonna go to sleep."

Spencer squeezes my hand and exits the room.

-

That night as Emily lays next to me my insomnia kicks in. I can't even close my eyes.

I sit up carefully and pull out my diary, beginning to write.

Dear Diary,

I'm tired but I can't sleep. Oh god. I need help. Everything hurts. I feel like I'm dying. What do I do? God... What do I do?

I'm so tired. And I'm tired of feeling this way. And I'm tired of being empty. And I'm just so tired.

I don't know what to do. I need Emily. But if I woke her up we'd both lose sleep. And what would I say? I just can't. But I really need her. I need Emily.

Yours,
Alison

My tears fall onto the page and I close the journal and set it back on my night stand.

I face Emily and brush her hair to the side.

"Sweet Emily." I say softly just like when I saved her from the barn. The only difference is that there are tears streaming down my face and Emily is asleep.

I curl up in a fetal position and hug my knees to my chest, sobbing as softly as possible. I don't want to wake her.

She stirs and o freeze, holding my breath.

Her eyes flutter open beautifully. "Ali?" She says groggily.

Shit.

I quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

She grabs my hand then gasps. Her finger brushes my arm.

"Oh god." She whispers.

I jolt up. "What? What?"

She turns on the lamp and I gasp as well. I hadn't even realized it but I'd been scratching my arms and now they were bleeding quite a lot.

I look at her and start to cry again.

She just hugs me.

Emily's POV

When I wake up Ali is gone.

At first I freak out, but then I see a note on her pillow.

Went for a hike. Be back at some point.

- Ali

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Alison hasn't been doing good and I don't know what to do. It's not like last time, it's more sadness about her dad and regret and guilt. There's not as much self hate this time which is good I guess.

"Hey Em."

I turn to look at her and she's smiling and sweaty.

"You seem happier." I furrow my brow. "Is everything okay?"

She nods. "Emily I just thought about how much I love you and you love me. I don't need anyone but you. I don't wanna be a victim anymore. I don't wanna be sad anymore. I'm taking charge of my life."

I smile. "I'm proud of you. And I do love you. So much."

AN: I thought I'd just do a mourning chapter. But now the happy ones and the fluffy ones are coming! And there won't be very much sadness at all. (Probably some because I like writing angst hahaha.) song by Shawn Mendes. Next chapter coming soon!

- G. Schreiber

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