Finding Her

Chapter One

I'm embarrassed to admit that my first week of attempting to be more hygienic was an epic failure. I went all out, buying groceries, skincare products, and even makeup. But, as I'm chatting with you now, those items (except for the groceries) are MIA, locked away in a place I can't even recall. Whenever I tried to tackle a task, I found myself stopping halfway and mindlessly scrolling through social media instead.

It's tough working on oneself, but that's exactly why it's called work.

Undeterred, I tried again, this time with a more subtle approach. I'm taking it one small step at a time towards building healthy habits and focusing on self care. It's a journey, not a destination, and I'm going to get there.

I woke up early, determined to start my day differently. I forced my brain to quiet down and not think about anything for five minutes - a feat unlike me. Usually, I'd reach for my phone to check for messages or scroll through social media. But today, I meditated, and the first thought I allowed myself to think was: 'I can do this.'

However, there's a difference between intention and action. Despite my resolve, I didn't follow through. I went back to sleep after a half-hearted attempt at doing the dishes. By the time I woke up again, it was evening, and I felt even more drained and dissatisfied. I had wasted another day, and the guilt was overwhelming.

I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for an hour, stuck in bed still, while my dishes in the sink began to stink.

I spent hours in bed, my brain racing with thoughts of how to improve, yet I wasn't taking any action. Finally, I decided to call my mom, hoping she could offer some guidance. We're not extremely close, but I knew she'd have some wisdom to share.
Her advice was simple "Just do it small small" before she dropped the call to attend to her business.

But the little advice she gave resonated within me. I thought about what I did the day before and what I did today, and there was a good difference. I realized I had made a tiny step forward.

          I hadn't touched my phone all day until I     called my mom!

I felt so happy. That small victory filled me with happiness. For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of accomplishment.

That night, I made a conscious decision to focus on my phone-free progress rather than trying to tackle everything at once. I resisted the urge to work more and instead worked on staying away from my phone. I even went to bed before 10 pm, a feat I hadn't achieved in ages.

The next morning, I woke up with an intense desire to check my phone, thinking others might be worried about me. But then I paused, realizing that would undo my progress. I reminded myself that I could always come online later, after I'd accomplished my morning goals. That small moment of self-control was a triumph, and I felt proud of myself.

I started my day with meditation and brushing my teeth. Feeling refreshed, I tackled the daunting task of cleaning my bathroom and room. The kitchen was next, but I procrastinated, dreading the mess.

However, my growling stomach and desire for a healthy breakfast motivated me to face the challenge. I did the dishes, despite finding worms in the sink, and cleaned my gas and utensils. For the first time since purchasing cleaning products, I used them to spray the house. The feelings I felt afterward were similar to how I felt when I newly got the apartment.

After completing the kitchen cleaning, I rewarded myself with a simple yet satisfying meal of noodles. I multitasked by bringing out my laptop and working while I ate. With my energy levels boosted, I tackled additional tasks that needed attention.

To my surprise, I had a productivity surge and accomplished a lot throughout the day! I felt invigorated and radiant, like I was glowing from within - no Vaseline required.

As evening approached, I finally remembered my phone and prepared myself to respond to the awaiting messages. I turned on my data and began with Snapchat, where I noticed my streaks were about to end due to inactivity.

I quickly sent a snap to maintain the streak, but surprisingly, there were no messages from friends. I tried not to dwell on it and instead complimented some friends on their stunning snaps. Then, I moved on to Instagram, where only my eager admirers, requesting artwork or seeking to link up, had messaged me.

Unbeknownst to me, my face had fallen into a sad expression, which I only noticed when my phone screen locked and I caught a glimpse of my reflection.

I opened WhatsApp, my heart racing with anticipation. And then, I saw it - my best friend had sent a flurry of messages, twenty in total! Although most of them were pictures she wanted me to edit, and the rest were her wondering why I hadn't responded yet. I was excited to share my day with her, so I typed out a lengthy response, telling her all about my accomplishments.

I eagerly awaited her feedback, but when she finally responded, I felt a bit deflated. "Oh, nice. Did you see the pictures yet? Would appreciate it if you could edit them now."

I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that she didn't seem to care about my day, but I pushed aside my feelings and got to work on editing the pictures.

When I sent the edited pictures back to her, I included a text expressing my feelings. I wanted her toI know how her response had made me feel. I wrote, " I felt sad when you brushed off my excitement. I was genuinely thrilled to share my accomplishments with you, and it hurt when you dismissed them."

Her response came quickly, but it didn't quite address my concerns. She said, "Guy, you overthink things too much. Relax. It's just chores. Everyone does them. I've been waiting for you to come online for a while now, so cut me some slack."

In an instant, every ounce of happiness I felt vanished. Her words cut deep. 'An overthinker?' I thought, unbelieving. 'How is expressing myself overthinking?' I felt dismissed, unheard, and un validated.

I tossed my phone aside, anger and hurt welling up inside me. I tried to reassure myself, 'No, don't let this ruin your day.' But it was too late. The dam had burst, and tears streamed down my face.

I felt like she didn't care about me, only what I could do for her. She wasn't invested in my progress or happiness. The realization was crushing. I cried myself to sleep, feeling seen and unheard.

The next day, I noticed a significant difference in my productivity, despite doing the same tasks as the previous day. But I gained a valuable insight: don't go to bed with negativity.

The previous night, I had gone to bed feeling positive and energized, which boosted my productivity. However, after going to bed feeling sad, I struggled to maintain my momentum. I made a mental note to avoid carrying negativity into my rest at all costs.

I liked the version of myself that was happy and productive, and I was making progress, I realized that my expectations from others might hinder my growth, so I need to let go of those expectations to avoid losing myself again.