Finding Her

Chapter Three

These past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. It's astonishing how much can happen in such a short time. I've been consistent in a few areas, and it's remarkable how much change has occurred as a result.
I'm now confident that if someone asks me how my day went, I can provide a detailed account instead of my usual vague response of 'Good' or 'I don't know'.

I still don't like cooking, though.

It's worth noting that negativity is a powerful and insidious force. It's astonishing how a small amount of negative emotion can undermine all your hard work and progress. I once read that negativity is the rawest form of emotion, but initially, I didn't grasp what that meant. I couldn't logically argue against it, and my attempts to debate it would end in weak statements like: Negativity only appears as the raw or true form because positivity is underrated.

While there may be some truth to that statement, recent events have led me to question its validity. I've come to realize that negative emotions are the ones people can convey most convincingly.

Previously, I had experienced how negativity could sabotage my mood and productivity, particularly when I started focusing on self-care and hygiene. Unfortunately, I recently encountered it again after my last interaction with my best friend, Sophie. However, after our last encounter, I'm starting to think that the title 'best friend' no longer suits her.

When I returned home after that event, I was unable to muster the energy to do anything productive. In fact, I was so emotionally drained that I cried myself to sleep. I might look like I don't cry easily, but boy oh boy.

The next morning, I woke up with the event still weighing heavily on my mind. I realized later that I dwelled on it excessively, allowing it to consume my thoughts. Just the way you eat stuff you are allergic to and your body reacts to it, was what the negativity I consumed did to me. I fed my body with something that wasn't good and as a result, I felt foggy and struggled to make sense of anything. And Procrastination sets in, from trying to.

I made a note to abstain from anything that could lead to me dwelling on negatively for long. Just the way one would abstain from foods or scents, they were allergic to.

Interestingly, whilst I've been working on apologizing less, I had unknowingly started tackling another item on my list - option No. 6, 'Rarely saying no'. It seems that my efforts to reduce excessive apologizing have naturally led me to explore and improve my boundary-setting skills, including learning to say no more mindfully.

I recalled how I had declined Sophie's invitation to join her team for the basketball game. Later she sent me photos from the event and asked me to edit them. Initially, I was unsure how to respond.

Upon reflection, I realized my indecision stemmed from not listening to my body's cues to head home when I needed to. If I had left when I felt the urge, I wouldn't necessarily be dealing with the aftermath, including her request to edit the photos. Even if she had still asked, I could have easily come up with an excuse to decline.

As I deliberated on what to do, I felt guilty for even considering it. I knew I should trust my discernment and listen to my inner voice. If I had, I wouldn't be stressing about how to handle the situation. One thing was certain, though - I wasn't willing to compromise my own needs to please her.

So, I told her I couldn't do it, explaining that I had urgent matters that required my attention. To avoid any further persuasion, I also included a photographer's Instagram handle in my message, suggesting she reach out to them instead. Although it wasn't necessary, I hoped it would help set boundaries and prevent any additional pressure from her end.

Apart from that, she requested my assistance with several other tasks, which I would have normally tackled without hesitation. However, this time, I calmly declined. Sophie was swift to notice the shift in my demeanor, as she was accustomed to me readily agreeing to her requests. My occasional declines caught her off guard, and she seemed unprepared for the change. One day, she asked me point-blank, "Chels, are we good?"

That caught me off guard - Sophie showing concern about my actions? It was as if we had swapped roles, and she was now playing the part I used to play. I was always the one to notice and point out even the slightest change in her behavior. I never thought I would see the day when she would do the same.

"Yes of course, why do you ask?" I replied.

"You've been incredibly busy with your work lately, and we both know I have the most tedious job. Despite that, I always make time for you. You don't even respond on time anymore. I wanted to share some exciting news with you in person about the video we made. It went viral, reaching 12 million views in just a week. However, it seems like you've been ignoring me. Maybe that's not the case, but you've honestly been acting a bit off lately." Sophie texted back.

Sophie and I both knew that wasn't true. Unless, of course, she considered content creation the "Most tedious Job." Or perhaps It was the fact that, despite my packed schedule, I always made sure she fits in perfectly. Maybe that was what led to that assumption.

Maybe. But I didn't see the value in debating on the matter. If I debated on it, we would just bicker and eventually we'd start comparing our jobs... and that would be a waste of time. So I kept my response brief and simply congratulated her on the video's success.

"Yeah, I saw. Congratulations." I texted back.

Sophie didn't respond immediately, even though she had seen the message right away. I was also on TikTok, and we were friends on the app, but after her content started gaining traction, I noticed her videos no longer appeared on my For You page. I hadn't thought much of it initially, since I was always involved in her content creation and knew about every video she posted - I was the one editing them, after all! But now that I think about it, it seems likely that she had blocked me on her end, which explains why I hadn't seen any of her recent videos.

I logged into TikTok and created a new account to search for Sophie. When I looked at her profile, I was surprised to see that I was nowhere to be found, except in her recent viral post. However, Jane was prominently featured in almost every video.

Just then, Sophie texted me, and I exited the app to read her message. "Girl, don't tell me you're being distant because of the caption - that's so immature. You could have just asked me. I wasn't even referring to you; I was talking about Jane. You've been instrumental in growing my account, so of course, my followers know you"

If I hadn't just checked her account, of course I would have taken her word for it. But before I could even respond, she sent another text.

"I am deeply hurt by your actions and assumptions. I have never considered leaving you, no matter what you do or say. Not when your sense of style was mid, or when you were being all clingy, or even with how weird and unkept you are. And yet, here you are acting snobbish over some social media content? If you don't want to be friends with me anymore, just be honest and say so"

I read the message again to be sure of the text I had received. Wow, gaslighting really hits hard.

I didn't dignify her message with a response. Instead, I archived her message and focused on other things.