Ranjish | 𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒓𝒂𝒋

XVI. shama & parvaana

Flame & Moth

•

vanraj :

I woke up to the sound of 'Achutam Keshavan' being sung in the house.
For moments, it took me back.
Back to the end of the beginning.

I sat up on the bed, as everything washed over me like a very tragically painful movie.
The marriage, the mistake, the divorce and the ruination of everything that I had loved.

I gulped as it all flashed before my eyes.
A strange guilt and self loathing rose through me.
My fault. My failure. And everyone paid the price.
My father hated me, my children were broken because of me.

Deep within me, I still clutched onto the hope that everything would be fine. One morning, I would wake up and the nightmare would end.
But how could I even wish for good after being the devil?

"Tu uth gaya? Kal itni raat ko aaya tha..", Baa said as she strode into the room, thankfully pulling me out of my daze.
I got off the bed, and opened the drawer beside it.

"Anxiety ki dawai? Tune toh bandh kar dia tha na jabse.."
"Jabse?"
"Jabse teri Isha se mulaqat hui hai.", She said softly.

I paused as I opened the cap of the medicine bottle.

Indeed. I didn't remember taking the pills after the day I had met Isha for the first time.
I gulped.
I could sense my mind wandering, my emotions overwhelming as I heard the voice that sang.

I popped a pull into my mouth and gulped it down.

"Aaj Fest hai. Mai aap sab ke liye passes lekar aaya hu. Toshu ko de diye hai, aap log aa jaiyega.", I said curtly as I headed to freshen up - refusing to meet my mother's eyes.

I couldn't let her see me in my self destructive mode.
She sighed, as she left the room.

I must get out of the house as soon as possible. I could not risk staying here for too long.

I stepped out of my bedroom, and froze.

"Mummy yeh coffee toh kitni aachi hai!", Pakhi beamed as she sipped on her coffee, while Toshu busily munched on his thepla.
"Arrey Anupamaa ke haathon mein jo jaadu hai.. kisi aur mein kaha..", Bapuji said.
"Yeh baat toh aapne bilkul sahi kahi.", Baa added.
The visual hit me like a deja vu.

My happy family.
No chaos, no trauma, no sadness - just another happy family.

"Tabhi na.. maine Anu ka itne saalon intezaar kia.", I heard Anuj Kapadia grinning, while he sat at the head of the table.

As the deja vu subsided, I noticed significant changes in the visual.
Anuj sat at the head of the table, Anupamaa glanced at him, in her usual saree. The gaze was rather romantic, while she blushed.
Aadhya sat on a seat beside Pakhi talking animatedly about her parents' perfect wedding.

No one seemed to notice that there was no seat for me.

"Obviously Anuj.", Kavya said, "Anupamaa, you are so lucky. Aisa pyaar milna kitna rare hai. Anyways you and I both deserved better."

I inhaled deeply.
Baa noticed me from across the table, but then glanced at Bapuji and looked down at her plate.
Of course, I had lost favour in the house.