Not What I Expected

Chapter 12: Real Heartbreak

The aura felt heavy as I walked through the school corridors. Everyone knew what had happened by then. Even Bella, who was typically such a bubbly person, seemed to be forcing a facade.

As I opened my locker to grab my books, Bella leaned around the locker beside me facing my direction.

"I'm going head to class, are you gonna be alright?" she asks sincerely. I nod in response. We kissed each other's cheeks before she headed off. I had my music elective first so I started going to the music classes. In the far distance, I can see Leo's figure with his back facing me. I start walking faster to get to him quicker. As I approached him, he turned so that his side was facing me...and a girl with sleek black hair held her hand against his bicep. The two of them were giggling. I stopped in my tracks, I felt my heart physically drop. I knew he didn't owe me anything. As far as he was concerned I was still mourning my relationship with Connor, but it felt so wrong that he was at my house to comfort me last night and now he was publicly showing affection with another girl. One of his friends calls out to him from a distance, The girl's drastically smaller hand wraps around his arm as they walk alongside each other to his friend.

What the fuck just happened? This is why I was scared to care this much. And the fact I'd have to see him in my first class with all these untamed emotions kills me now.

I walk into music class to see a couple of open seats. Leo was sitting at the back of the room with two of his guy friends who only took music because they could play drums and were only taking the subject because they thought the class would be easy. I hate those kinds of people. I sat at the front of the room, avoiding eye contact with my life. I heard the chatter coming from Leo and his friends quiet down. My anxiety instantly shot up, they were talking about me.

After what felt like forever, the teacher finally came through the door and instantly started reciting the learning intention for the lesson, thank god.

We learned descriptive words when analyzing music. 'Piano', 'Adagio', 'Vivace'....

As I sat in the class listening to these foreign words I felt my heart begin to pick up in pace. Not now! My mouth started to become extremely dry and my leg started to viciously shake. I tried keeping myself together, that was until I started to feel heavy like I couldn't hold myself up.

"Ms Fletcher? May I please be excused". I asked politely, she was a very nice teacher, very spiritually aware, and extremely understanding of people's needs. She smiled and nodded before I ran out of the classroom holding myself with my arms across my body. I ran into the nearest bathroom that I could find.

Just as I entered the bathroom I collapsed onto the floor, my knees and hands touching the cold tiles. I was having a panic attack. My chest felt tight like I couldn't inhale in. I scattered backward towards a wall and sat on the floor with my knees up to my chest.

I wanted to text Bella but I couldn't bring myself to, everyone was already stressed about what had happened yesterday, and I knew my problems wouldn't matter. I had to deal with this alone.

I sat and started counting my fingers, an exercise that my mother taught me to pull myself out of a state of panic. It seems silly but everyone has different methods. 1, 2, 3, 4... as the 5th finger passes, I feel relief through my body. Not completely but enough to pull me up.

I waited in the bathroom for the rest of that class. Scrolling through my phone in one of the stalls to pass the time.

I walked out of the bathroom with my eyes red and puffy. People were giving me stares, I didn't care. Typically when I get out of panic attacks or anxiety attacks I turn into bitch mode. I wish I didn't but it's my coping mechanism.