Comic Sketches

MEET THE PARENTS

FATHER

How is she, darling?

MOTHER

Oh Deidre's fine. Just a bit worried about her date with... what's that sweet fellows name again?

FATHER

Marmaduke. It's hard to forget it.

MOTHER

I'm sorry, I've got a memory like a sieve.

FATHER

It's not only thing you've got like a sieve. Just thinking of all your lumpy bits.

*DING DONG*

MOTHER

Oh, that'll be him now.

*Opens the Door*

MARMADUKE

Hi, is Deidre in?

MOTHER

Of course, dear. Take a seat.

MARMADUKE

Thanks.

Awkward Pause.

MARMADUKE

I bought her some flowers.

FATHER

Shame about her allergies, ey Brenda?

MOTHER

Not at all, Malcolm. They're lovely, Marmmy. I may call you Marmmy?

MARMADUKE

Of course.

FATHER

Marmmy, Marmmy. Sounds like a person from Hull trying to speak the Queen's English.

MOTHER

Well at least I'm trying to be civilised. Where did you meet her, my love?

MARMADUKE

I met her on a blind dating website.

FATHER

Probably for the best, for her sake anyway. Where are you taking her, then?

MARMADUKE

I was thinking of going to the Cinema.

FATHER

Cinema. Bit cliché, in't it?

MOTHER

It sounds wonderful. Let me guess, a nice RomCom with Hugh Grant and the like?

FATHER

What is it with you and Hugh bloody Grant? I swear if you mention him again, you'll be going to a funeral too; your own.

MARMADUKE laughs extremely awkwardly

FATHER

What's the matter, son? Scared it might go wrong?

MARMADUKE

Maybe.

FATHER

Scared she might hate you forever if you order Garlic and try and give her a kiss?

MOTHER

Don't worry, that's not an insult. Deidre's just a vampire that's all.

MARMADUKE laughs again.

FATHER

Scared she might run away with that doctor again to the South of France and not come back for 18 months?

MOTHER

Please, Malcolm. That was a one off. Stop trying to scare the poor lad.

FATHER

I'm not trying to scare him. I'm just trying to let him know the facts, like that time when you abandoned me for that tanned Swedish fellow.

MOTHER

How was I supposed to know he was a woman?

FATHER

You left me locked out the house and I had to care for our Deidre on her own.

MOTHER

I knew what I was doing. Unlike you when you tried to gamble away our fortunes on HullCity staying in the Premiership.

FATHER

Ey, it's not my fault the bookies can't even predict HullCity.

MOTHER

Do you know what? I've had up to here with you.

FATHER

Lucky I'm taller, because I've had it up to here with you.

MARMADUKE IS TRAPPED BETWEEN THE TWO

MARMADUKE (Squeaky Voice)

So... (coughs) What are her hobbies then?

MOTHER

She collects dead squirrels...

FATHER

And has an obsession with Janet Street Porter.

MARMADUKE IMMEDIATELY GETS UP

MARMADUKE

Bye!

ԐG