random things

i hate his name.

i met him, at the time i adored his name, thought it was beautiful. we became friends, a month later i had thought i loved him. he loved me too. we dated on and off, eight times for half a year, he chated four of the times. my bestfriend is who he cheated with, she swear she didnt know, but he was introduced to her as my boyfriend. it happend three more times after i confrotnted them, she still swears she never knew. he threatend me, said he would kill himself. i stayed for another four months. i was so scared of being the cause of someone's suicide. that bever mattered i guess, he didnt kill himself. he did self harm on face time though. blood dripped down his arms, i watched as he carved into his skin. i watched as he swallowed the pills. i watched as his mother barrged into his room. i watched as she screamed, her only son losing life. i watched as the ambulence pulled him away. he lived though. his mom blames me, forbid me from speaking to him. she screamed at me. it wasnt my fault. so why does it feel like it is? i was fourteen, i didnt deserve to witness that. nobody even knows, i couldn't tell my friends, they'd balme me just like his mom did. i can't call anyone without panicing. i was a kid, i still am. this happened just over a year ago, i cant stop thinking about it. i hate his name, it only brings pain.