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And all the people lost in a world that feels empty.
It Was Time...
This morning marks the beginning of my new life, though I don't realize it yet.
As if they could glide over the dark, glistening surface of the ocean, my tears are trapped beneath my eyelids, burning the backs of my eyes. You might think it hurts, and it does, but not as much as the flames that flare up inside me, threatening to consume me with every breath.
I always thought I could get through it, like those heroes in books, and movies. Or those characters we assume are bad, but in the end, they turn out to be the best ones, because we come to understand they're just broken.
I often compare myself to that kind of antagonist. Everything about me seems to reflect that. Even more so now that I realize my life will end in this country.
The Land of the Rising Sun...
What a great symbolic and poetic nickname to call a place that will be my last stop, especially now that I know that it's real. I am not going home. This last fucking mountain will be the signature of my Swiss blood.
And Ironic.
I am going to die here, giving my last breath in this room that stinks desolation.
Lying down, my head turned toward the double-paned window, which offers a clear view of that massive triangle with its snow-capped peak. I can't help but dwell on my temper and my fits of rage — against life, and against those around me who try to distract me. I hate them all. I shouldn't, but it's true.
And yes, I am an asshole.
Staring at Mount Fuji, I awkwardly get a strange feeling. I was supposed to climb it during my visit to Japan, to see my brother — that I haven't seen in years — and spend time with him. But as always, when everything seems fine, a stray bullet finds its way to my heart.
And my forehead.
I thought it would stop, but... I finally understood that the only way to end it all is to take my last breath.
Accept it.
Let go.
My mother and brother are sitting at the foot of my bed, playing on the Ninenpo Swift. I'm supposed to be playing with them, but the meds make me so high that, in a few moments, I'll find myself at the top of that damn mountain, ruling the archipelago like a throne of iron over a kingdom of ice. Ever heard the song from Macklemore ?
