The Springtrap Saga Book Four: Darkness in the Stars

Chapter Five (Trigger Warning)

Please Read the Author's Note Before Proceeding.

Author's Note: The following passage deals with themes of mental health struggles. In these scenes, Springtrap is not kind to himself about this and is very harsh to himself about it. The awful, untrue things he tells himself, as well as the horrible things people say to him during his upcoming nightmare, do not reflect my views on mental health in any way, shape, or form. Themes of domestic violence and child abuse are also present. These may be difficult topics for some readers. If any of these themes make you uncomfortable at any point, please do not hesitate to skip to Chapter Six. The progression of these themes in Springtrap's experiences, as well as the emotional struggles that come with it, will be a recurring theme throughout the story, but this is the most intense scene. I want you all to know you are loved, accepted, supported, and valued in this world, no matter what. You make this world a brighter place.

     No. No, no, no! No!! What have I done?! A fresh wave of self-loathing fringed in fear crashes over him. Dismay brands itself into his thoughts. The words ingrained in ink on the wall are imbued with all the insecurities that fester in his mind:

     Murderer. Wretched Killer. Trash. Scary. Ugly. Monster. You'll lose them. Nobody loves you. They hate you. Bad person. I'm sorry. Failure. Worthless. Alone. Hate myself. Lost cause. Disgusting. Where are they? Bad friend.

     And numerous other devastating phrases. All of them thrust degrading sentiments in his face- all sentiments that slunk out from his own mind and heart. He believes everything he wrote.

     Shame buzzes around his soul. When he was human, his hand, pocked with tremors, constantly streaked across the wall and left anguished words tattooed on its surface. He would've blanketed the walls in writing in the safe room if he had access to any pens. But after he was integrated into Summer's family, the urge to collapse into such activities flickered out. He was getting better.

     Or, at least, he was supposed to be.

     Despair clouds his mind. The despair molders in his mind. My awful, broken mind. He doesn't bother to quash the sobs as they lurch his chest in gasping sputters. Whimpers seep from his voice box. Helpless frustration showers him from all sides, along with a plaintive yearning to belong.

     I didn't choose to be born like this! He diminishes himself to a tight ball, curled up on the ground and hiding from himself. It's not fair!

     This is why he couldn't adopt children when he was human. He just wanted to be a dad, but he couldn't. And it was really, really not fair. Even though his intentions were purely to provide parental love, his judgment was tragically skewed in the pizzeria when he...

     He's always struggled with judgment. It's out of his control.

     Right now, everything feels out of control. How can he expect to take care of the children like this?

     The thought that keeps soaking into his mind is: Not fair. He never wanted this. He just wanted to be loved. To be accepted. To be in a family.

     Muted sobs thrust themselves from his voice box. His face is pressed against the strands of carpet protruding from the ground, and his head is hampered by his hands. The cover muffles the forlorn cries as they bubble free.

     He isn't sure how long he stays like that. Crying alone in the dark. Minutes, hours, he doesn't know. It doesn't matter.

     But eventually, fatigue throws a fog over his thoughts. The desperation hammering around his mind gradually whittles into distorted wisps of thoughts. Exhaustion expands within him, making his metal suit feel even heavier. He allows himself to melt into a weary puddle. The distorted flickers of dreams play at the edges of his thoughts. They tangle around his mind and drag him into the grim world of the subconscious...