Nephilim's Wager: The Princess and the Witch

Entry 3 (Penelope)

I asked my parents if they had any say in my past life. I pretended it's just because a friend at school mentioned that the parents of someone they know requested to have a talented musician reincarnated into their child, and they're disappointed it doesn't seem to have been granted. That didn't happen. If they didn't know I'm Tyria, I didn't want to give it away by being honest about why I was asking.

But they do. I continued to coax out information, playing naive, until I was reasonably certain they already knew. Then I told them about the dream and the journals. So they told me their perspective.

They said her spirit did visit them when my mother was pregnant. She wanted them to raise her- me- right so that we'd be less likely to be manipulated again. When they were still a bit reluctant, she revealed that she's an angel and so she should have the authority to do this anyway. She didn't explain to them how that's possible, but they recognized her true form as that of a seraph. They suspected it might be a trick of dark magic. Too afraid to resist her, though, they agreed to let her reincarnate, and raised me to hate her as she requested.

I know she was telling the truth. I wasn't sure if I should tell them, since it's supposed to be secret. I did tell them, to reassure them they did the right thing in obeying her.

I hope I don't regret that.

I don't even fully understand why I have to keep certain things secret, though, since I didn't get to finish reading the journals. I know that when Tyria found out she's half seraph, she was told by Uriel- who was in disguise as her mortal mother until the assassination- to keep it a secret. Our creation was a last ditch effort, technically against the rules, because he and Brigid and some other angels didn't believe that their side would win unless they planted someone with a stronger connection to them to influence events. Well, that really really backfired on them, huh?

I, as Tyria, eventually found out that the other side did the exact same thing with a child of Lucifer and Diana. So we both broke the rules. But I still have to keep both of those facts a secret.

Why? Because I only read the part where I was told to, and never read anything to indicate otherwise. Because I destroyed it first.

I read up to a part not too long after Tyria had split from the demon prince Eligos and the witch Eveline who had taught her dark magic. She visited an apothecary to buy poison, which she brought to a party, one of many she had been throwing just to invite an old flame who never showed up, and put it in her own cup. And throughout the night went back and forth about whether to drink it. That was the very start of my redemption, I suppose, if redemption is supposed to start with hating yourself and your life to the point of... that.

Tears fell on the page as I was sucked back into the utter despair and self-loathing I experienced. Even without a clear memory of the event, I could feel it. It was the most relatable thing I'd read thus far, hating her. Hating myself. I never hated myself yet I always have. Even now as I write this I'm trembling. Tears wet and tore the page, and as my hands shook, the opposite element also came about to bring destruction. Much worse destruction this time.

It might be because I apparently had a habit of using my holy fire to burn myself after sinning, as penance... But why would I have a habit that she had? Is it muscle memory if those were not my muscles? My body is my own, right?

I don't know why I got quite that worked up, though, knowing that this was a rock bottom moment and things would get better. I know that's not when she died. And I know her lover did eventually show up, because she didn't write those journals until after she ran away with him. He's the one who supposedly put that spell on me. They don't think love could have actually redeemed me. I want to believe it did.

I'm so disappointed that I didn't get to read the part where I reunited with him. I only read about our original romance as youths, and how it fractured, how he refused to speak to me after I took the throne and began my descent into madness. I'm going to be driven mad again from wondering what my life was like with him.

Those are the dreams I'm most looking forward to. Maybe that will finally motivate me to sleep... It's well after midnight now.