Fix
Why do we choose to live in a space that we know fully well it will one day break us. We knowingly presue pain and poison. Then we seek the things that numb us tell we become emun. The pain consumes the mind, and the brain seems useless. All we can think is how can I hide or run away, or maybe I can find a new thing that will numb. Stop hiding and start fighting. What do you have to lose. We can fix what has been broken.
Weak
I want to know why did, you want her?
Did she ever let you in?
Was love ever there?
Are you hurt by how much I push you away?
I know there had to have been a time I loved you and showed it, but I can't remember.
Having feelings for you feels like the most unsafe thing I could do.
You are the reason I am broken.
She is broken, but she did not stop trying when things become too much you did.
You are weak, and that is what we hate you for!
Sometimes, I wonder if I lost my first?
Baby
Fear is why I did it. I know it would have been a lot, but you would have known love. I would have known you, and that thought is painful. A broken man hurt me. Then, in a broken place, I may have made an evil choice. For that, I ask forgiveness. It's so crazy that men can have a child, and they don't even know. Women can make that choice, but they will aways live knowing it may break them. I wonder, and I hope it was not what happened with me!
Daddy
Daddy, did you know that every time you picked you over me, I started to question my worth? The more it happened, the more I struggled to love me. I felt like others couldn't or wouldn't love me. To protect myself, I had to stop caring what you think of me. I know that it hurts you, but I am at a loss of what to do. I want to love you, but everything tells me not to.
Fit #mama thought
Assimilate supress the parts of you that hurt or upset others. Hold beliefs that don't upset anyone. Fall in line, don't speak out. To question that will only bring unwanted attention why would you do that. Just be what they want you to be.
Think, understand that you have behaviors that can be hurtful. Do what you can to protect those that need protecting. Understand that others may not like your beliefs, but that dose not make them wrong. Don't be afraid to question your beliefs, but don't let others decide what you believe. Don't let others speak for you. Speak up. Question everything and be open to other ideas. Be someone you can be proud of!
I understand the need to fit in. To be accepted, I understand the pain one feels when that doesn't happen. When I think of this, I remember my pain. It is not something I want to do again. I also understand that it had to happen. I am also happy that I did not try to be what they wanted. I held on to what I knew in my heart was who I needed to be. In time, I found others who liked me for that, and that was wonderful. Don't be what you think others want you to be. That will only hurt you.
You made the choice to give in to what the world wanted for you. You allowed yourself to believe that you couldn't. I don't know when you allowed others' words about you to stop you from even trying. When that happened you accepted something you never should have excepted. Don't let that be her story.
The moment
The sun comes up over the hill. Washing the world of darkness. I spent another night wrestling my demons. I long to be filled by the light, but all I feel is emptiness. It seems like I may have lost to the demons yet again, but they didn't win the fight for my life this time. I am here!
I feel some comfort in the moment when the light meets the dark. Those demons must left, and I am reminded that I am not alone in this fight. This thought gives me peace with what is to be and what will be.
