Betrayal starves the soul.
Its constant emptiness is an unwelcome companion. Sitting heavy in my heart. The endless void expands inside the limits of the body, stealing the air from starved lungs. Suffocating life, but never ending it. The nature of my wolf shows me her lifted lip, disgusted with my morbid thoughts. I long for the end as life unfurls inside my womb.
Stuck in the purgatory of existence, smothered in pain. The darkness feeds the worst parts of me. Those long suppressed pieces are growing bigger. Expanding into monsters, snakes intent on destruction. The ugly spiral of darkness feeds on itself, flourishing, consuming all the parts that once were good. I feel I will become unrecognizable.
I long for the life I lived before. The wolf disagrees.
We are splintered now, her and I. How will we ever breathe as one again?
His footsteps are light behind me, keeping with the pace I set under the dark night sky. The exertion warms my lungs. I want to push myself harder, feel the physical burn inside my throat, run the skin down past limits, but I refrain.
It is just pain. Or is it hate fuel?
My breasts are heavier than I am used to. Fuller, swaying unrestrained. I use my hands to control the heavy sway, which makes running awkward. Did the darkness that consumed me in my weakest time give birth to a stranger?
The tenderness inside the tissues seems to have grown since the last time my fingers touched this sensitive skin. Heat has changed my body. It is only the beginning. The growing cells of new life will transform it into something completely foreign.
We are getting closer to the outer edges of our pack settlement. Pines are thinning out, and light shines in homes, lighting up the forest path. The natural sound of wolves settling down for the evening filters through. Song and laughter travel in the air, and ancient pine trees dance to their tune. I don't slow down to greet the wolves milling in the streets. Shame grips me with how I stink of him, my betrayer, as my pack bears witness to my shame.
My father's words echo inside my head. Unworthy of the gift the goddess gave me.
"Foolish female, you will never lead the pack."
"You are female, Jessica West."
"Females don't lead."
"You can hunt. You can kill, but you will never be Alpha."
Memories falter my step, my big toe catching on a rock. I correct my stride, years of training kick in, and muscle memory wins. The body has a weakness, but the mind is strong. I will build my armor back up. Wearing shoes of blood and dirt over new growth of skin fortifies. This body of mine was made for taking physical punishment. It is the emotion that will ruin me. I vow not to let it.
Familiar dinner chatter inside the pack house stills when we walk inside. My brother raises to his full height. His female is eating next to him. Their necks proudly show the mating marks. I nod his way and move through the silence. Ryder follows a step behind me. His eyes never leave the space of my body.
The physicality his vision casts feels as if a current dances on my skin. It is hot wax; as it burns, it soothes. It slithers from the back of my head down both shoulders, lingering. Kissing the exposed edge of my tricep, it reaches down to my elbow. Abruptly turning to shake him off my tail with a fierce tongue lashing, I underestimated how closely behind he followed. The space between us is dismal, and the proximity of his skin electrifies my own.
He is a beautifully made male. Internally, I cringe at my confession. I don't want to want him. How do I deny the desire that binds me to the mate I was created for?
Is it something I can learn? I must.
Testosterone and male pheromones have bulked his frame since I saw him last. Slowly coming into his full stature. As much as I appreciate the look of him, the bitter taste of his intention tastes sour. This is what he wanted from me. He is coming into his whole self. I cannot forget. I won't let myself forget.
"You can leave now. You are no longer needed." It's poisonous, the tone of me. Meant to toxify his soul against us. My demon is starting to wake.
No reaction. He doesn't react. Keeping his features soft, eyes taking me in our close proximity. He looks at me like he looked at her, with soft hooded eyes that draw in. I am filled with yearning, pure want. Matebond is cruel.
The soft ends of my hair are disturbed by my betrayer touch.
"I can't." and he doesn't. Instead, he pushes forward. The tug on the strands involuntary sways me into him. How do you fight the bond?
Impossible. My borrowed shorts are starting to saturate with what is leaking out of me. Warm slik slithers out of my core. Nostrils flare. Deep, loud inhales follow. He devours the flavor my body is making for him. His scent mixed with my own.
I want him, and I hate myself for it. He doesn't seem to have any of my constrictions. Unrestrained in his want of what my body wants to give him.
It is hard to keep sense in the mind. The pull draws and consumes.
He inhales deep in the crook of my neck, where my scent is mixed with his wolf's. The nature inside us both growls appreciatively at his attention.
"You are my mate, Jessica." The way my name sounds on his lips is disturbing my resolve. A firm tug at the nape of my neck leans me the way he wants me to be. Nose rubbing along the long line of tendon. Velvet lips touch, lick, suck the length of my collarbone.
I wish I could love the way he wants to love me.
"I was always your mate." Stone ridgid from the words of his past actions. I give him the full attention of my moon-silver eyes. He needs to see me and hear me because he is breaking me over and over again. And there is not enough gold to mend the shattered pieces of my heart.
"Every touch, every look you give my way, I see You and Her. I can't help it. All those years of your love are burned inside here." tapping the edge of my temples with fingers that shake.
"When I smell you, it is her smelling you. It is a fucked up gift I have, and I can't unsee all the ways you loved each other."
"I guess you knew I would see it anyways when I marked you. Knowing makes me sick. Being around you makes me sick." There is a supernova inside of me—rapture of pain.
His face falls, hands no longer holding any part of me.
"I need you to leave." giving him my back.
"I can't." Resigned to his fate, a low murmur sneaks behind me.
YOU ARE READING
Finding Ryder
WerewolfJessica West is a rarity in her world, an alpha female blessed with sight. She has never been able to detect her own mate bond and believes she is mateless. Until she meets Ryder, an alpha heir from the neighboring pack, and her fated mate. The only...
