ＴＷＯ ＢＩＲＤＳ

24

laying in jisungs bed right after sex, holding him close to me as the stars shine on the night sky is probably my new favorite thing. I can feel his breath on my naked chest, and it brings me comfort.

I kissed his head, before taking his hand and kissing the top of it. I don't know what exactly are we, but I know for a fact that he's mine.
only mine.

as I looked at his arm, I noticed the huge scar that caught my attention beforehand. I slowly traced the line with my finger. jisung was watching my finger, staying silent. I looked at his other hand, a twin scar laying there as well.

"do you have those from that night?"
I asked him.
"you don't have to answer that if you-"

"yeah."
he nodded.

for a moment, I didn't say anything, and I just kept staring at the scar.

"why did you do that jisung?"
I looked at him.

he kept staring at his wrist I was holding.
"ah you know..."
he started talking, cuddling closer to me.
"just life wasn't in my favor."

"if I should be honest, I stalked your old instagram account. you looked so...carefree. just a teenager who lived his life."

"you don't always notice when someone is struggling."
jisung said.
"my friends didn't notice either."

I sighed.
"do you want to talk about it?"

he stayed silent for a while.
I thought I fucked up, before he started talking.

"you know, my dad...was really struggling when my mom died."

I looked at him, as I took his hand, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
I knew it was hard for him to talk about something like this.

"he practically didn't raise me. I'm pretty sure he always held some kind of resentment towards me. I mean, of course, I killed the love of his life."
he sighed.
"I never met mom, but I think a lot about if my life would be different if she was alive. I mean, of course it would be. maybe I would have siblings that would be able to run the company, and I would be able to do what I always dreamed off. you know, live my life."

I laid my head on top of his, listening to every word that left his mouth.

"my dad was never really present, and I often felt lonely. I remember the first time he hit me. I was seven, and I wanted to play with Lego with him. I went into his office, but he wasn't there. I sat on the ground in front of the door, waiting for him. I'm pretty sure I sat there for more than two hours. the maids tried to get me to bed, or to go play with them, or just to move, but I didn't. he finally came back late, but he was drunk. I remember I was so excited when I asked him to play with me. he told me to shut up and started walking away. I didn't shut up tho, I was a kid, and I wanted to spend time with my dad. he slapped me really hard when I kept pressuring him to play with me. I'm pretty sure i fell, it was a really hard slap. he figured out it was okay to hit me when I misbehaved after that. his methods got crueler and crueler, but he never stopped. even tho he wasn't here, he at least let me do whatever I wanted. I could study music, go out as much as I liked, or I don't know, just be myself. I always wanted to play in a band, write songs, and sing."

I heard the happiness in his voice.
gosh, all his dreams were taken away from him.

"I think I was always struggling with my mental health. you know, getting told from a young age you killed your mother is not exactly the best feeling."
he chuckled sarcastically.

"I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I already had a really bad day because I failed my math test even tho I studied a lot, and hyunjin made it pretty clear he didn't have any feelings for me when he told me about the hook up with a girl he had yesterday, and when I came home, my dad told me that I will be switching to another school, because I'm going to take over the company when I finish it. I tried to argue, telling him that I want to pursue my music career. I got beaten bad. he told me that I was the worst son he could ever wish for. that his wife didn't deserve to die just to give birth to someone like me. I felt guilty, because my mom deserved to live, but instead of that, I'm the one who survived. I didn't deserve to live. I took my blade and slit my wrists in my bath. unfortunately, the maid found me, and they were able to save me. right after I returned from the hospital, my dad told me he's taking away all of my electronics and things I could hurt myself with. he told me I also won't be visiting my school anymore, that I will be homeschooled, and I will take over the company right after I will be ready. when I came into my room, it was empty. all of the posters of my favorite bands, my guitar...I went into the bathroom and checked every single hiding spot for my blades. all of them were empty. they went trough my room really hard. I broke down, and just sobbed for hours straight."

I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh, before I pulled him on top of me.
"my lovely jisung, you went trough so much."
I caressed his cheek.
"please let me love you."

he leaned into my touch, a tear escaping his eye.
"show me how it feels to be loved."