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marie london carter ———————————————————————
it was the next day and i was laying in bed with dee next to me. i was looking at him just thinking.
what have i gotten myself into? i love this boy but i dont think i should. we're no good for each other. i cant have his kid.
we're not compatible. dee is still childish.
we're toxic. he fucks on other bitches and i fuck wit other niggas.. he puts his hands on me i put my hands on him.. what are we doing bringing a child in this world? together.
but i couldn't convince him that we weren't meant to be parents. and if i decide to kill this baby on my own, he'd kill me. i believed that.
i got up , got ready for the day , threw my puffer on and dipped. i took dee and i's rental car, to a studio nearby.
my producer wasn't here but i needed to get some things off my chest.
the minute the beat dropped i started spitting lyrics. it was beautiful and i was passionate. a song to my baby. about my life. about dee.
once i got done recording the song , i sat back in the chair and started thinking of my mom.
all this baby stuff really got me thinking .. about what family really means.
...
as i got back to the loft, i had already booked my flight. i was determined to go home and fix things with my mom.
i couldn't drink, smoke or anything so the trip was so pointless to me.
as i was packing my bags , dee came in the room and closed the door behind him
"where tf you going?" he asked me aggressively
"home dante." i said dryly
"stop calling me that mama, just talk to me"
"you didn't talk to me before you did what you did.", i said zipping up my suitcase
"i mean seriously , who do you think you are to decide what i do to my body and when i do it?" i said angrily now facing him
"it was in the moment baby i don't want you to leave me" he said walking towards me
"you said that if i killed your baby, you'd kill me. would you?" i asked him looking up into his eyes
he just stayed silent solidifying my answer. he would.
"you think that shit is cute? you're toxic! that shit is childish and disgusting! what makes you think i wanna have a baby with you?!" i hollered at him
he just rubbed his face , frustrated
"and how the FUCK DO YOU THINK I FEEL"
i was at my limit. i was tired of feeling like he controlled me
i scoffed, and started laughing
"okay dante" i said grabbing my luggage
he tried to grab it from me
"bruh you not going nowhere" he said firmly
"DONT TOUCH MY SHIT" i said opening the door rolling my suitcase with my purse on my shoulder
i went downstairs and dee treaded behind me , telling me i wasnt going anywhere
he tried to grab me as i headed out the door but bri grabbed him and i immediately grabbed the keys and hurried to the rental
....
2 days later
i was staying at a hotel in the city. my phone was powered off, my messages were off , etc. i powered my phone off because i wanted silence. and i didn't want anyone knowing here i was.
today, i wanted to see my mom. and talk to her.
i was trying to get ready but i couldn't mask the sick feeling i had all morning
i was leaning over the counter with my head in my arm, rubbing my stomach. i knew what this meant.
i headed out the house and stopped by the corner store to grab some cookies and crackers, then headed to my mom's house.
i knocked on the door and surprisingly , my sister answered the door. i have a younger sister, miari.
she's about to be 10. she reminds me so much of myself. i felt so bad just looking at her face remembering that i left her here with my mom, alone. knowing how my mom was.
her eyes lit up at the sight of me and she instantly hugged me. i bent down hugging her, feeling relived
"ariiii, oh baby how have you been?" i said taking in her scent and the feeling of her hugging me
"i miss you , why'd you leave me?" she asked
miari was honest. and not afraid to ask questions.
i just sighed and kissed her face. i walked in behind her and took in the place. i looked around and it looked like a dump.
"where's mommy?" i asked looking down at her
she pointed to her room
afraid in every step i made, i walked to her room and knocked on the open door
"mom?"
"marie? what are you doing here?"
"i wanted to talk to you.."
i looked at my mom , balled up in her bed in her messy room. dirty dishes on the side of her bed with her room filled with a questionable smell.
she got up and walked past me, to the living room
i entered the living room and watched her sit on the couch
"why'd you leave so abruptly ? thought you didn't need me anymore , why are you back?" she questioned me crossing her arms
my mom was stubborn and hard headed, so trying to be the bigger person i tried to watch what i said.
"it's not that i didn't need you. i just grew up and developed my own life. i'm stable financially , but emotionally i'm not. no matter how much i have , family doesn't top that. i need my mom. i want to make it right with us." i said to her as humble as possible
"you didn't need me when you stumbled out of this house not even thinking of me"
"thinking of you?" i said finally fed up. , "you didn't think of me my whole life! i grew up around men and drugs ! now look at me ! that's all i'm attracted to! MEN AND DRUGS. YOU RUINED ME. BEFORE ANYONE ELSE COULD. how could you? i came out of you! you were supposed to protect me , love me! all you did was hurt me!"
"how dare you come in this house talking that stuff? I MADE YOU." she said walking up to me
"all this stuff you got on , IS BECAUSE I HAD YOU" she said tugging at my clothes
a tear couldn't help but to roll down my face as i listened to her verbally degrade me. i wiped the tear off my face, trying not to give her the satisfaction. i left.
i went back to the hotel and all i did was cry. i cried over my past, my potential pregnancy, my baby's father, my sister. i just cried.
why? why me? why do i constantly have to fight battles but remain so strong? why can't i be happy like the rest?
