𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏 ♡ Sirius Black

CH 15 - Avoidance

Ellie,

It’s been weeks, and I’m tired of writing these letters.

I understand you’re angry, but you can’t keep hiding. You can’t avoid him forever.

Remus

ϟ

I crumple the letter, just like all the others Remus has sent over the past few weeks. A flick of my wand, and flames lick the edges until the parchment turns to ash, leaving a dark smudge on my kitchen table.

A groan slips out, half frustration, half exhaustion. I haven't been able to sleep lately, my mind once again filled with the images of everyone I've lost whenever I close my eyes.

I toss my wand onto the couch and reach for the wine bottle I’ve been nursing for hours. The Smiths play softly from the corner of the room, Morrissey’s melancholy voice filling the apartment. I pour another glass, watching the red liquid swirl before taking a deep sip.

I should feel disappointed in myself. After a year of sobriety, I came straight back to London and fell straight into a bottle. But I don’t feel anything except relief, letting the wine blur the edges of my thoughts. Barefoot, I move slowly across the room, wine glass in hand, twirling lazily to the music, losing myself in the rhythm until a sharp knock stops me mid-spin.

I walk over to the door, expecting to find Tonks on rhe other side of the door. She’s the only one who has bothered to check on me since I moved into my new flat. But when I open it, it’s not her.

It’s Remus.

“Oh, it’s you,” I say as I lean against the doorframe, arms crossed. “What do you want?”

“You’re not answering my letters,” he says flatly. “So, I thought I’d check to see if you’re still in London.”

“I’m still here,” I reply, rolling my eyes. “Just avoiding you.”

“And the Order,” he adds.

“I’m not avoiding the Order,” I say defensively. “I’ve still been doing things for them.”

Remus raises an eyebrow. “So, you're just avoiding the headquarters then?” he asks, like it’s not already obvious.

I don’t answer, and the silence is answer enough. His gaze shift to the half-empty wine bottle on the table. He doesn’t say anything about it, though, and I appreciate that. Instead, he looks back at me with a concerned expression that makes me feel like I’m disappointing a parent.

“Can I come in?” he asks quietly.

I step aside, letting him pass.

“It’s... cozy,” he says, clearly trying to be kind.

I'm renting the flat from Mick, a Muggle I used to work with. It's not far from my old flat, so I know the neighborhood, but it is modest and could use an upgrade. The rent is decent, though, and it has large windows that let in plenty of light. Mick was even kind enough to leave behind a few pieces of furniture, and although they have clearly seen better days, they make the place seem like a home.

I sit on the arm of the couch, my wine glass dangling from my fingers. “Alright, what’s this really about?”

His face soften. “I came to apologize… in person, because you won't respond to my letters. For telling Sirius to stay away from you. That wasn’t my decision to make, and it wasn’t fair to you.”

The words hang heavy between us, but I just stare at the wine in my glass. I know I should be angrier, but I’m too tired for it.

“I get why you did it,” I say finally. “I wish you hadn’t, but… maybe it was for the best. I wasn’t ready to see him. Italy was the first time in years I felt like I could breathe. If Sirius had come after me, I don’t think I could’ve handled it.”

Remus nods, his arms crossed, leaning against the back of the chair. “He wanted to find you. Really, Ellie. But he's still wanted by the Ministry, and it was too risky for him to travel to Italy on the back of a Hippogriff.”

“I know,” I say quietly, feeling like I'm declaring defeat. At the moment, I hadn't realised the risks of Sirius coming to find me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised Remus did the right thing. Sirius is reckless, he would've come, the risk of Azkaban be damned. But I don't think I could've lived with knowing he was caught trying to get to me. “I get it. It just…”

“I know,” he murmurs.

I swallow, feeling the familiar tightness in my throat and continues, “Remus, we weren’t together when he was arrested. We had already fallen apart by then… but still. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. And that’s the part that scares me.” I rub my temple, trying to massage the headache forming there. “We had problems before. Big ones. Now, after everything, I just don’t know how to go back.”

Remus watches me carefully, his voice gentle when he finally speaks. “Do you still love him?”

“Of course I do. That’s the problem. I never stopped. But it’s not that simple, is it?”

“No,” he agrees.

I make my way to the kitchen, grab another glass, and pour wine for Remus. He pauses for a moment before accepting it from me.

“He’s not the same man you knew,” Remus says, watching me over the rim of his glass. “Azkaban changed him. But he’s still Sirius. I think you two should talk. Properly.”

“I don’t even know what I’d say to him,” I admit, leaving out that I don't know how I can be around Sirius when I can’t even think straight with him in the same room?

“Start with something small,” he says. “Start with just being there.”

I sigh and stare at the window, the city lights cast a soft glow against the glass. “Tell me, how much did he pester you to come here, Remus?”

Remus smiles. “It wasn't Sirius, it was Molly. The Weasley family is staying at the Headquarters for the summer and he's been a nuisance to everyone. It got better, since Harry’s there now, but Sirius's one shot away from coming down here himself.”

A pang of guilt tugs at my chest. I haven’t seen Harry since he was a baby, and now he’s a teenager, who has seen far too much for anyone his age. “Harry’s there?” I ask quietly.

Remus nods. “He had a run in with a couple Dementors, so he's awaiting a hearing at the Ministry that will determine if he can go back to Hogwarts.”

“What were the Dementors doing away from Azkaban?” I ask, remembering that the Dementors were sent back following the failed attempt to capture Sirius.

“No one knows. Dumbledore's taking his case so I'm sure he'll be alright. Which means that in a few weeks, Sirius’s going to be stuck, alone, in the house he swore never to set in again. So, for the sake of everyone's sanity, I'm ready to drag you there myself if necessary. Besides, it would be good for Harry to meet another one of his parents’ friends.”

I chew the inside of my cheek, contemplating my choices. I haven’t been there for Harry. Not the way I should’ve been. If it was the other way around, Lily would've done everything in her power to be there for my child. Maybe he feels like I've failed him? Abandoned him like everyone else?

“I’ll think about it,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

“That’s all I’m asking.” Remus nods, satisfied with my answer. He takes a big sip from the glass I handed him, emptying it. Then, he reaches for his coat.

“I should go,” he says quietly. “I’m sure Sirius is driving everyone mad in my absence.”

I smirk, a small, fleeting smile. “Tell him to keep it up. He’s good at it.”

“I’ll let him know.” He chuckles as he heads for the door, pausing as he reaches for the handle. “There’s a meeting tomorrow at five. I hope I’ll see you there.”

When the door clicks shut, I stare at it for a moment, before sinking onto the couch. The music has stopped, the needle lifted from the record. The flat feels emptier than before. I pour another glass of wine, but when I bring it to my lips, it doesn’t taste the same anymore.