Little Bitch

Chapter 83

Chapter 83

After being fed by Josh, I was promptly sent back home. I wasn't sure if there was a specific reason why he needed me out of his house early, or just because he generally wanted to get rid of me so he could watch his reality TV in peace, but he still sent me on my way right after dinner.

But not before handing me a box full of Jayden's drawings.

"I picked a few I thought you might like. I'm still going through his stuff," he said, like he was trying to keep his tone casual.

I smiled at him. "Thank you."

I didn't push him or ask to go through Jayden's art with him. Jayden had trusted Josh with his drawing. He'd given them to him. I would respect my brother's wishes.

With a box full of my brother's art, I trudged back to my car and went home.

My parents were nowhere to be found once I got home, so I just headed to my room, sat on the floor and started to look through the box.

It kind of baffled me, the amount of things my brother had drawn or painted when I had never known. I'd already went through boxes with Josh, and I had seen none of the pieces in front of me now. How much had he produced? When had he taken the time to do all of these? It was seriously like figuring out that your brother had a double life.

If felt nice though, finding out about this new side of him. Seeing the drawing he made of our family, sketches of cars he might have liked the draw, aquarelle paintings of landscapes through many seasons. Abstract nonsense.

It was time that I started to let my brother live again in something other than my grief. By burying him deep in the sadness inside of me, I'd been killing him slowly. His memory was what I had that could keep him alive. If we stopped talking about him and celebrating him, he would well and truly be dead.

This was how I could keep him alive.

I wanted to show these to Lexi. I wanted to hang them on the walls in my room.

The wall by the door to my room was mostly empty. I could fill it up easily.

It was still early, and not time to go to bed just yet. Lexi hadn't texted me since she knew I was supposed to be with Josh, and I wasn't going to annoy her when she was spending time with her family.

So, this was a good project.

I tried to find pieces that would match together. I could have Josh frame them later.

As I was sorting through the drawings and trying to arrange them in a way that would make sense, I hummed to myself.

After a little while I realized I was actually humming something, but I wasn't sure if I'd heard it somewhere or if it just came from my mind.

I didn't think I'd heard it anywhere before, but I didn't want too be cocky.

But the melody was stuck in my head, the notes repeating themselves.

I needed to hear them on the piano.

So, I left Jayden's art, to pick it up later and headed to the music room.

I sat in front of the piano, not too sure what I should be doing now. Should I try to write down the notes? My father had left a pile of blank music sheets.

But I didn't really want to think about it.

I pressed record on my phone and started to run my fingers over the keys.

Four notes where my main rhythm, repeated over and over as I added layers of notes. It wasn't a particularly sad song, but there was a certain melancholy to it.

I'd never really played something like this, something that seemed to come from my head, so I was second guessing and repeating notes, trying to figure out if this was really coming from me, or if it was something I'd heard before.

But eventually I stopped second guessing. Even if it was a melody I'd heard before, I was having fun.

I added layers, and split things into movements. I wasn't writing anything down, but it just seemed to make sense in my head, playing the same notes over and over again, until it was starting to sound like an actual piece. Everything would be recorded so I could write it down later.

Eventually, I started to have cramps in my hands. It was my fault, I hadn't exactly stretched them before beginning to play, and I'd been playing a little too frantically, trying to hear the note at the same time as I was thinking them.

I checked the time. It was almost five in the morning.

Oops.

I had a good night sleep before, and I'd overslept. My body had been riding the high of being properly rested.

Even if I realized as soon as I stopped playing that I was dead tired, I was immensely happy.

I wondered if this was how my father felt when he composed new music. I'd never really thought about my future this much. It was one of my many problems. But after the hours spent behind the piano, part of me saw the appeal of my father's profession.

I knew I could probably never have a career like him. I was picking it up too late. Being a great pianist was probably out of the cards for me.

But regardless of whether or not composing was something I could do in the future, there was something almost... reassuring in the idea that I was doing something I enjoyed and that maybe I could find a way to make a career out of it. That if there was one thing I could see myself doing in the future, there may be more.

I'd always been so sure that I didn't have a future, so I'd also been sure that there was nothing that would interest me. I didn't have a future because there was nothing I loved enough.

But now, there were things I loved again. Things making me happy. Things I was looking forward to.

Letting myself be happy had really changed things.

I listened to parts of my recordings as I went back to my room.

Finally, I collapsed on my bed, wrapping my arms around one of my pillows. It smelled like Lexi.

I fell asleep with a smile on my lips. 

_______________________________

Happy Tuesday my little Pumpkins!

Sorry for the late upload, I've been a little too busy this weekend. :') I'm actually rush uploading this at work while eating, so no rambling today. 

Virgin and the Whore will probably be uploaded a lil late too, but you'll defintely get a chapter this week.

Alright, byyyyyyyye. See y'all next week! Love you guys!