He groans into my mouth, and I use that moment to push back, trying to take control again. But Han is stronger than he looks, and for once, he's not letting me win.
"Frustrated?" he murmurs between kisses, smirking against my lips.
I bite at his jaw...
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The weight of it all feels like it's crushing me from the inside out, an unbearable fog that clouds my mind, making everything hazy and suffocating. Every step I take feels detached, like I'm not entirely here, like my body is moving on autopilot while my brain is stuck in some distant, painful memory. Is this what it felt like when I lost Soobin? I can't remember. My mind doesn't let me go that far back.
But this—this sinking feeling—it's like time is rewinding, pulling me back to the brink of that moment. The pain, though... the pain is familiar. It's an ache that's constant, gnawing at the edges of my mind like a headache that never goes away. It pounds in my ears, in my skull, in my chest. I've been breaking down all night, all day—so much that now, I feel like I've crossed some threshold where I'm no longer capable of fully feeling anything.
Numb, but not.
It's worse, somehow. Because everything is still there—pain, sorrow, regret—it's all still there, clawing at the walls I've forced up around myself, trying to break free. And all it's doing is making my head pound, like my body is begging me to let go, to release the pain I've been choking back. But I can't. I won't. I don't want to break again.
This morning, when I looked in the mirror, the sight of myself felt like a slap to the face. Bloodshot eyes, puffy and swollen from hours of crying, skin so pale it looked almost sickly. I barely recognized myself. And yet, I still walked out of my apartment like that, uncaring, because what difference does it make now?
Now I'm walking—no destination, no plan. Just moving, because it's all I can do to stop myself from collapsing. Since when do I go for walks? I don't remember the last time I did something like this. Maybe I'm hoping the motion will clear my head, but all it's doing is giving me more time to stew in the agony I've tried to keep locked down.
I don't know how long it's been. Could be hours. The sunlight feels harsh against my skin, too bright, too intrusive, but I find myself welcoming it. The sting in my eyes, the burn on my face—at least it's something. Something tangible to focus on, something that distracts from the unbearable weight inside me.
Every step feels heavier than the last, the migraine thrumming behind my eyes intensifying with each passing minute. I wonder if I'm going to pass out right here, on the side of some forgotten street, but part of me doesn't care if I do. Maybe that would be easier.
I blink against the light, trying to push past the fog in my head. But it's no use. Every thought drags me back to Soobin, to Seo, to Hwang—to everything that's gone wrong, to every mistake I've made, every person I've failed. It's like a reel playing on repeat, taunting me with memories and regrets I can't escape.
I feel the tightness in my chest again, the way it constricts like something is lodged in my throat, blocking out the air. I hate this. I hate feeling so weak, so broken. I hate that I've let myself get here, that I've let the pain become so overwhelming that I can barely breathe through it.
