He groans into my mouth, and I use that moment to push back, trying to take control again. But Han is stronger than he looks, and for once, he's not letting me win.
"Frustrated?" he murmurs between kisses, smirking against my lips.
I bite at his jaw...
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☕
I don't remember exactly when I broke. Maybe it was when Bahng left. He told me he had things to take care of, but there was something in the way he said it, a finality that made me question whether I wanted him to stay or go. Neither option seemed right. Either way, everything's changing, and my life feels like it's spiraling into chaos. I haven't broken down like this since Soobin... since the moment I lost her.
My neighbors probably think someone is dying in here. And in a way, someone is. My old, emotionless self is fading, disintegrating, and somehow, I didn't see it happening. I didn't realize how fragile I'd become until the walls came crashing down. How did I miss the signs? I should've noticed when I felt that inexplicable anger at Felix for just being in my apartment, when I felt that electric pull to Hwang outside the club, or when Seo looked at me with that intensity and I didn't know how to breathe.
It was all right there, waiting to explode.
The fog in my mind thickens, like static in my ears, drowning out everything except the mess inside my head. Thoughts race through me at a thousand miles per hour, none of them making sense, all of them loud. Now I remember why I stopped feeling. Why the fuck would anyone choose this? It's pain-raw, searing pain. Feeling is unbearable.
Another vase shatters. I don't even hear it. The floor is littered with shards of glass, broken plates, mugs-expensive things I should've cared about, but now they're nothing. Just like me. Everything is crashing around me. Did I throw them that hard?
Screaming feels good. It drowns out the suffocating silence. Yet somehow I still can't hear my voice, can't hear the ragged breaths tearing from my throat. I swipe my arms across the kitchen island, knocking everything off with a savage force. More crashing. More destruction. The sound is satisfying, but the relief is fleeting.
Hwang's voice echoes in my mind, his words digging deeper. But this? This can't be because of him. Hwang doesn't have that kind of power over me, right? He shouldn't. No one should. Except for me. I control myself. Only me.
I try to convince myself, but it's a fucking lie. The truth? I'm not in control anymore. I've lost it.
My body trembles with anger. I know I need to calm down, but I don't want to. There's something almost cathartic about letting go, about letting the chaos consume me. Burying my feelings again feels worse than this tidal wave of rage and sorrow. And besides, maybe I deserve this. Maybe I deserve to feel every ounce of this pain.
You just stood there and watched.
Shit, no no no no no.
It's your fault.
"Shut up," I whisper, clenching my fists so hard my knuckles turn white. My vision blurs with the intensity of it. The voices are back, clawing at the edges of my sanity. They haven't haunted me like this in years.
