He groans into my mouth, and I use that moment to push back, trying to take control again. But Han is stronger than he looks, and for once, he's not letting me win.
"Frustrated?" he murmurs between kisses, smirking against my lips.
I bite at his jaw...
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Emotions. God, it's been so long since I let myself feel anything real. I was pretty sure I'd forgotten how, buried it all under layers of indifference and apathy, but here I am, sitting in this overpriced restaurant, and suddenly everything is coming back to bite me in the ass. It's like every emotion I've suppressed for years decided to stage a comeback tour all at once, and I'm the front row guest of honor.
I can't remember the last time I felt this overwhelmed, this panicked about anything. My heart's racing, my palms are sweating, and for the life of me, I can't seem to stop fidgeting in my seat. Seo's only been in the bathroom for what—five minutes? Feels like a damn eternity. I glance down at the empty water glasses in front of me. I've already drained mine, and his too, and I'm halfway through the second refill. I'm sweating, and it's not just because the AC is slacking.
Is it hot in here, or am I losing my mind?
I rake a hand through my hair, trying to tame it—only to feel the dampness at my scalp. Great. I probably look like I just ran a marathon. I sneak a glance toward the bathroom, praying Seo takes his time because I need at least three more minutes to figure out how to pull myself together. But he'll be back any second, and I'm nowhere close to regaining control.
Lying comes naturally to me. I mean, it's basically an art form at this point. I've perfected it—smooth, effortless, like flipping a switch. But right now? With Seo? I can't even manage a half-decent poker face. Every time he looks at me with that soft smile, or when his hand brushes mine, I feel like I'm going to unravel right in front of him. My chest tightens, and I'm nauseous with the weight of... what? Guilt? No, it's more than that. Fear.
Why does this feel different? Why is it that when Seo smiles at me, I feel like a fraud?
I know why. Because I'm not just lying to him. I'm lying to myself, and it's catching up to me faster than I'd like. I should be able to handle this. I should be able to put on the mask, pretend it's all fine—play my part like I always do. But I can't. Because every time Seo acts like more than a friend, every time he looks at me like that, it chips away at the walls I've built, and the memories I've spent years burying are clawing their way back to the surface.
I can't stop thinking about her.
My breath catches in my throat, and I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, trying to shake off the images flashing behind my eyelids. The way I lost her, how she slipped away, the helplessness of it. And now... now it's happening all over again. I'm in too deep, just like Hwang was with her. And I can't go through that again. I won't survive it.
That's the fear gnawing at me. The idea of losing Seo the way I lost her—that finality, that irreversible pain. It's paralyzing. I can't do it again. I can't go through that kind of heartbreak and come out on the other side. I know it. I barely survived the first time.
And that's the only reason I said yes to this—to us. Because the idea of rejecting him was worse. If I said no, I'd lose him, and that would kill me in a different way. So I said yes, and now I'm stuck in this mess of my own making. I'm trapped between wanting to keep him and the fear that if I let him in, he'll slip away from me too. Somehow, I just can't find the willpower within me to love him.
