One shot

I will leave your life forever - Part II

Sanem 

It could only be like that, I had to leave, I couldn't stay in Istanbul knowing that he was a few kilometres away from me. It would have killed me not to leave home every morning with Layla to go to the agency, the place where I had found new friends, an interesting job and the man who had become the centre of my existence in a very short time. It won't be easy to live far from my family, from the neighbourhood, from Ayhan and Osman, but it would have been even harder to resist the temptation to go back to the rocks, to our rocks, where we argued and where so many times he held me close to him saying he loved me. It would have been a continuous suffering that I know I could not bear. How could it have come to this? Didn't he say he couldn't stay away from me? I was wrong, it's true, but if he loved me as he said he did, how could he have ousted me from his life like that by saying I was 'the other'?

I open my eyes again, lifting my head from the bus window where I have been leaning since we left. The last suburbs of Istanbul speed by under my gaze, which for a long time remains fixed on the landscape without seeing anything, completely lost in my thoughts. In my mind a succession of 'if only, keşke', if only I had not been afraid of losing him, if only I had found the courage to tell him about Fabri, about the smell and the pain of seeing him locked up in a prison. Maybe he would have listened to me, understood... or maybe not. I shake my head correcting myself, he would have acted the same way I'm sure. He would still have screamed at me that I ruined the magic in our relationship, that it's over, that there is no more us, that I'm just like everyone else. A treacherous tear manages to escape from the grip of my clenched eyes, I vowed not to do it again, after crying all night for that lost love I vowed to stop myself. Enough Sanem, it's time to move on.

The bus slowing down and slowly coming to a halt brings me back to reality, I pass a hasty hand to wipe away that umpteenth sign of weakness from my face as I take a deep breath. The driver announces that we are stopping near Bursa for a break, I decide to get off along with the other passengers to go and rinse my face in the restroom of the truck stop, then I stop for tea at the bar and a simith to eat later. The journey to Ankara is still long and I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. My stomach is clenched with regret for what I have lost forever and the uncertainty of a future all to be reinvented in an unknown city. I walk out onto the forecourt of the autogrill heading towards the bus with my head bowed, lost in thought when I collide with a massive body. The impact is so violent that I risked falling backwards if two strong arms had not promptly supported me. Embarrassed, I instinctively apologise as a familiar scent leads me to look up; I could recognise him among millions.

"Can? " He smiles as he moves a rebel lock that has fallen on my face on impact against his chest. "Sanem." Our gazes remain chained for endless moments until I hear the driver call out to the passengers on the Ankara-bound bus. "I have to go." I take a step back to free myself from the grip of his hand on my arm which instead becomes tighter holding me back. "Wait, I'd like to talk to you." I take a deep breath, in an instant all the pain and disappointment of these past few hours turns to anger. "I don't understand what you're doing here. There's nothing to talk about Can Divit, you were crystal clear last night, if you'll excuse me, my bus is about to leave." I cast a quick glance realising that everyone has already boarded, I try once again to free myself from his grip. "I have to go, they are only waiting for me."

Just as I am saying these words I see the bus door close and the bus start to move. I can't believe it, I move to the side raising my hand and shouting at the driver. "Hey, wait!" his grip remains firm on my wrist. "Let me go, I have to go, my suitcase..."
"Wait Sanem, don't worry, your suitcase is safe in my van, I asked the driver to unload it and 'warned him that you would stay here'." I turn my head to look at him more and more confused. "What? What did you do? Are you crazy?" He grabs both my hands looking at me seriously. "Actually I think I've finally come to my senses." I'm getting more and more confused. "I do not understand, what are you doing here, what do you want Can? Leave me alone, last night you were very clear, I took note, I told you I'm getting out of your life for good and that's what I'm doing at this very moment. I think there is nothing more to add'.

I try to free my hands from his, when he does something unexpected, with a sudden move he draws me towards him imprisoning me in his huge arms. I look up in amazement and remain breathless realising that I am so dangerously close to his lips. "All I said last night was nonsense Sanem, you ask me what I want? The truth is I want you Sanem, only you." My heart stops for a moment, I can't believe what I just heard, I shake my head slowly probing that look that in the past made me believe I was important to him. "Didn't you say that you don't care about me? That I'm nothing if not just any employee? Less so, because you know the names of your employees; I, on the other hand, am nothing to the point of being 'the other'." I still try to wriggle out of his grip, which remains firmly on me. He tilts his head to the side as his gaze probes my face and smiles the sweetest smile. "Now that because of my stupid pride I risked losing you I realise that without you Sanem I cannot stay, you are nothing, you are essential to me. You are the bright part of my life, these days without you I was in darkness, angry, suspicious, mistrustful and I risked ruining everything."

These are the words I wanted to hear when the story of my selling perfume to Fabri came out, this is what a man truly in love should have said and not bitti, it's over. "Beautiful words, yours are just that,beautiful words that at the first hurdle lose all meaning. I have made so many mistakes with you, of that there is no doubt, I lied to you, I hid the truth from you and every time your reaction was always the same. You excluded me without even listening to my reasons. Maybe Can we're not meant to be together, I'm not perfect and if at every misstep you forget everything you say you feel for me by excluding me from your life without appeal, well, we'd better call it a day. Get my suitcase out of your van and let me go on my way Can Divit." I feel the grip of his arms hold me even tighter to him as he brings his lips close to my ear whispering softly. "I'm not leaving you Sanem, I'm not leaving you anymore." I hold my breath as chills run down my spine feeling his hot breath on my neck.

He withdraws, releasing me from his embrace. I waver for a moment, but what makes me literally tremble is seeing him kneel down in front of me, pulling out a velvet waistcoat from his jacket pocket. I realise that many patrons of the autogrill stop to look at the unusual scene, surely not the most usual place to propose, I think for a moment and then focus all my attention on his words. 'Will you marry me Sanem Aydin? Will you be my wife? Until the end of my life I want my eyes not to separate from yours and my breath not to separate from your breath Sanem. I want you by my side, now, always. Come back to Istanbul with me, let's go to your parents, I want to ask for your hand and set the wedding date as soon as possible'. My heart beats wildly, it's a dream, a beautiful dream come true and yet... everything I've experienced in the last few days has made me lose faith in him and his feelings. "Only yesterday you told me it was over, that I am nothing to you. How can I believe you today when you say you want me forever Can? I can't accept a proposal with these assumptions, I'm sorry."

I see his disappointed expression as he gets up, closing the velvet case and putting it back in his pocket. He turns his face away looking to the side remaining silent for interminable moments where I think he will turn his back on me to leave, but after taking a deep breath he returns to look at me seriously. 'You're right, I realise I've done so much wrong with you, I've said unforgivable things. So I ask you this: accept a ride from me, come back to work at the agency, give me a chance to start over. Let us spend time together, accept my invitation to dinner at the place that makes the best fried fish in Istanbul, come for a walk in the woods and a picnic by the sea. Allow me to make myself known to you, to show you how important you are to me'. He taps his chest at the level of the pocket in which he has stowed the ring case. "This is here waiting for you, it's not going anywhere, I have every intention of showing you that I am sincere and sure more than ever that you are the woman of my life."

I look at him for a long time too, serious, tempted by his proposal, not sure what to say, not sure if it will work. I see him gesture to his car. 'Please, this way Miss Aydin, Can Divit at your service, ready to show you I can be a good friend, a loving boyfriend and one day a devoted husband. What do you say? Can you give me a chance?" In spite of myself, I can't stop myself from smiling, I am happy that he has realised that we somehow need to start again. I know that I love him more than anything, but I also know that our relationship needs to build a new foundation if we are to build something solid and long-lasting. I look into his eyes for a long time and finally nod as I begin to move with him towards his off-road vehicle. "I gladly accept your proposal Can Divit, let's start afresh and see where this will take us"
He smiles as he opens the door of his off-roader for me.
"I already know where Sanem Aydin will take us, into each other's lives, to be together, forever."