Rebel Love Song

Glass Hearts {Austlan Cashby}

"Fuck." Swearing I looked around desperately for toilet paper. I cut deeper than I originally planned and I didn't want the guys to see the blood in the morning. Trying to clean it up, I completely forgot to watch the door. Mind you, I did think it was locked.

"What is that Austin?" I spun around at Alan's worried voice, my wrist dripping blood. My eyes went wide, he wasn't supposed to know!

"I don't think you understand. These are the hardest four years of my life. All the touring and shit. No one pays attention to me. They walk right by me heads turned with closed eyes. They don't even see me." I tried to explain why I can't do this anymore. Why it's all just not enough. Why I can't keep living. He moved forward and reached behind me, grabbing gauze from the cupboard above my head. He started wrapping my arm up. He concentrated on the task before grasping my hands and looking at me.

"I'm here, you know that." His voice was like honey, sweet but carried a powerful sting when you crossed him. I planned on doing just that.

"At night in my house I'm still all alone." He didn't understand, he was here for me now, but this is not a home. He isn't there when I really need him. When I really needed anyone.

"I can be if you want." He was persuasive. But I didn't want paparazzi chasing him even more than usual, although they don't even see me. As if trying to convince me, he swallowed and slowly rolled up his own sleeves. I looked at his wrists, small white scars criss-crossed them. Why?
"Alan." I whispered.

"Don't worry, the scars on my body, they don't even bleed anymore." He laughed awkwardly. I caught the hidden meaning though, his internal scars still hurt.

"But why did you do it in the first place?" I ignored how much of a hypocrite I was being, seeing how I was bleeding under the gauze and planned to continue after he left.

"I never do any of this for me. The scars on my body, they don't even bleed, not for me at least. I only do this for you to see." I stared at him confused. Why would he cut for me?

"What are you talking about?" Our noses were touching and he still had my hands in his. I hadn't noticed that we got that close.

"Can't you tell?" He asked, looking disappointed.

"How am I supposed to see through your eyes when you never saw the stars were falling at your feet? You never saw that I built the universe just for you." I wasn't in love with him, far from it. I simply cared about him more than anything in the world.

"Austin, I fucking need you. I did this because I love you and it hurts not being with you!" He put his mouth against mine and I relaxed into the kiss.

"Why did you do this?" He asked me after we broke apart. I should've guessed that was coming.

"I need them to understand me. Is it a song? Is that what they need? For so long I've tried to get them to hear me. But all they do is insult me and the band. Picking and stabbing at myself, their words feel like knives. Tearing and ripping the seams of my life that help keep me from falling apart. I can't take it Alan." He pulled me into a hug, kissing me again. I kissed him back, hating myself for hurting me.

"We'll get through this." He tried to comfort me.

"I've tried to convince them, ya know? That their words hurt like stones. I just wish they'd just leave me, leave us, alone." I was sobbing again. Alan slipped onto his knees, holding my waist.

"I am on my knees. I need you to hear to me. I am on my knees. Hear me, please, when I say that I will protect you. I love you Austin, I really do. Can't you hear me begging for you to love me back?" He sounded so desperate.

"How am I supposed to, to hear what you hear when you never heard the sound of our glass hearts breaking with every tick of the clock when you are gone?" He didn't get how much I hurt when he was away with his girlfriend and God knows who else.

"I promise you, I'm never going to leave you again! Please tell me you see that!"

"How am I supposed to see through your eyes and into your soul to know if you're telling the truth?" I easily pulled him back onto his feet, he was so skinny and fragile. My death was gonna break him.

"I know what you've been through, this hell was, is, my life. You have to keep pushing, I've seen through your eyes and I know you have it in you to keep going. Your days are like pages, the chapters unread, you have to keep turning, your book has no end when you are with me." I think he must have been quoting a book. It was cute, but I could hear him giving up.

"I'm sorry Alan, but you'll never be enough. One person who loves me isn't what I need. Why don't they love me?" I pushed away from his warm embrace.

"You know what? Fuck you Carlile! If you want to mope over the fact that I love you, be my guest!" He turned and left, slamming the bathroom door. I smiled a bittersweet smile, mope I will. I picked my blade back up. This time, I was cutting to kill.

A/N: Sorry this took so long! Originally I wanted an Austin and Aaron, but I don't know their ship name so Austlan will have to work. Comment your OTP!