Eroding core

03 | Béatrice

If I showed you my soul would you cover your eyes?

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It was a normal, quiet, and boring day, but you kept coming to my mind a lot..

Every time I try to stop thinking about you, to stop drowning in you, to detach myself from you, to move on without you, to live without you.. I find myself still standing here, loving you more, waiting for you, and no matter how much I try to think that you won’t return, that you won’t look at me, I can’t!

I am still standing here, waiting for you..

I wish I were like you, strong, resilient, independent, not looking back at the past, distancing myself from everything that hurts me, not getting attached to anyone, but I am a tired spirit, a weak, exhausted soul, an unknown without you.. a demon.. that’s what they told me!

Whenever I look around, I see eyes staring at me, mocking me, telling me that I will never move on, that I was created to live with you, that I am the dark shadow and you are the owner, that I am the torn body and you are the wings, that you are the angel and I am the devil..

Every time I thought I was moving on, every time I thought I was reaching the abyss, every time I thought it was my end, your ghost comes to me, embraces me, tells me that I can still fly, that the end hasn’t come yet. I know you are the one sending your shades; please don’t make it harder, I can hardly stop thinking about you!

I just wish you would leave my memory, so I wouldn’t have known you, or loved you.

I can’t believe we won’t exist again.. I hope to wake up and find you brushing my hair, drawing me, singing to me and telling me, ‘Look at me.. you are not a devil.’

Rina, it has been fifteen days and you still haven’t come, should I perhaps stop waiting for you? I know i will when I die..

You lied to me, you told me you would return as you always do, you said you needed time, that you were tired and just needed to rest a little and come back, where are you now? I never knew you to be a liar, Rina!

We could have cried, danced, fought, looked at each other, hugged; we could have done so many things instead of this silence and hiding behind shadows.."

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I threw the phone onto my bed and walked toward the balcony, on the first floor, a balcony without a high railing, and the distance between it and the ground isn't far. This is something new to me; I had never had a balcony in my room before, and even the windows my father used to close with iron bars. Rina used to say we were a dark version of Rapunzel.

I entered the balcony as a notification sound came from my phone, which was something new to me.

I picked up the phone, and my eyes widened in disbelief.
"Do you have an account where you publish your works and what you write besides this?"

It's a message... from a girl I've followed for months, though I can't remember why I followed her in the first place. I replied without lowering my eyebrows.
"Yes, why?"

The girl replied at that moment, causing the phone to drop from my hand in shock. I picked it up and read her response.
"I enjoy your short writings that you put in your stories! I'm used to reading them and always waiting for them, but it has been a while since you posted anything new, so I thought I’d ask if I could read your golden letters more!"

I didn't realize the smile that appeared on my lips until I noticed my reflection on the screen. I dropped the smile and entered the application for the novels and stories where I publish. I copied the link to my account from it and sent it to her, then immediately turned off the phone and left the room.