Acotar retelling

Panic Attacks and Protein

The next morning, as I made my way down the grand staircase, I tried not to think too much about the clean-washed marble tiles on the floor below—no sign of the blood Tamlin had lost. I tried not to think too much at all about our encounter, actually.

When I found the front hall empty, I almost smiled—felt a ripple in that hollow emptiness that had been hounding me. Perhaps now, perhaps in this moment of quiet, I could at last look through the art on the walls, take time to observe it, learn it, admire it.

Heart racing at the thought, I was about to head toward a hall I had noted was nearly covered in painting after painting when low male voices floated out from the dining room.

I paused. The voices were tense enough that I made my steps silent as I slid into the shadows behind the open door. A cowardly, wretched thing to do—but what they were saying had me shoving aside any guilt.

"I just want to know what you think you're doing." It was Lucien—that familiar lazy viciousness coating each word.

"What are you doing?" Tamlin snapped. Through the space between the hinge and the door I could glimpse the two of them standing almost face-to-face. On Tamlin's non bandaged hand, his claws shone in the morning light.

"Me?" Lucien put a hand on his chest. "By the Cauldron, Tam—there isn't much time, and you're just sulking and glowering. You're not even trying to fake it anymore."

My brows rose. The curse.

Tamlin turned away but whirled back a moment later, his teeth bared. "It was a mistake from the start. I can't stomach it, not after what my father did to their kind, to their lands. I won't follow in his footsteps—won't be that sort of person. So back off."

"Back off? Back off while you seal our fates and ruin everything? I stayed with you out of hope, not to watch you stumble. For someone with a heart of stone–"

My heart skipped a beat at the memory of what I had to do Under the Mountain, what I'll have to do again.

"–yours is certainly soft these days. The Bogge was on our lands—the Bogge, Tamlin! The barriers between courts have vanished, and even our woods are teeming with filth like the puca. Are you just going to start living out there, slaughtering every bit of vermin that slinks in?"

"Watch your mouth," Tamlin said.

Lucien stepped toward him, exposing his teeth as well. A pulsing kind of air hit me in the stomach, and a metallic stench filled my nose. But I couldn't see any magic—only feel it.

"Don't push me, Lucien." Tamlin's tone became dangerously quiet, and the hair on the back of my neck stood as he emitted a growl. "You think I don't know what's happening on my own lands? What I've got to lose? What's lost already?"

I stepped toward the threshold, clearing my throat as I came up with a dozen excuses to shield myself. I looked at Lucien and forced myself to smile. His eyes widened, and I had to wonder if it was because of that smile, or because I looked truly guilty. "Are you going out for a ride?" I said, feeling a bit sick as I gestured behind me with a thumb. I hadn't planned on riding with him today, but it sounded like a decent excuse.

Lucien's russet eye was bright, though the smile he gave me didn't meet it. The face of Tamlin's emissary—more court-trained and calculating than I'd seen him yet. "I'm unavailable today," he said. He jerked his chin to Tamlin. "He'll go with you."

Tamlin shot his friend a look of disdain that he took few pains to hide. His usual baldric was armed with more knives than I'd seen before, and their ornate metal handles glinted as he turned to me, his shoulders tight. "Whenever you want to go, just say so." The claws of his free hand slipped back under his skin.

No. I almost said it aloud as I turned my pleading eyes to Lucien. Lucien merely patted my shoulder as he passed by. "Perhaps tomorrow, human."

Alone with Tamlin, I swallowed hard.
He stood there, waiting.
"I don't want to go for a hunt," I finally said quietly. True. "I hate hunting." He cocked his head. "Then what do you want to do?"

~~~~

Tamlin led me down the halls. A soft breeze laced with the scent of roses slipped in through the open windows to caress my face.

"You've been going hunting," Tamlin said at last, "but you really don't have any interest in hunting." He cast me a sidelong glance. "No wonder you two never catch anything."

No trace of the hollow, cold warrior of the night before, or of the angry Fae noble of minutes before. Just Tamlin right now, it seemed.

I'd be a fool to let my guard down around Tamlin, to think that his acting naturally meant anything, especially when something was so amiss at his estate.

"How's your hand?"

"I didn't thank you."

"You don't need to."

But he shook his head. "The Bogge's bite was crafted to slow the healing of High Fae long enough to kill us. You have my gratitude." When I shrugged it off, he added, "How did you learn to bind wounds like this? I can still use the hand, even with the wrappings."

"Trial and error. I had to be able to pull a bowstring the next day."

He was quiet as we turned down another sun-drenched marble hallway, and I dared to look at him. I found him carefully studying me, his lips in a thin line. "Has anyone ever taken care of you?" he asked quietly.

"No." I'd long since stopped feeling sorry for myself about it.
"Did you learn to hunt in a similar manner—trial and error?"
"I spied on hunters when I could get away with it, and then practiced until I hit something. When I missed, we didn't eat. So learning how to aim was the first thing I figured out."

Tamlin strode ahead and opened a set of double doors at the end of the hall. "Here it is, the study."
I saw what lay beyond him and my stomach twisted. I backed away and shook my head, "It's okay, maybe we could do something in the gardens?"

"...Okay, sure." He was clearly confused but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I led the way back down and outside.

~~~~~

"I want you to train me, you and Lucien."

He opened his mouth–no doubt to protest–but I cut him off. "And before you say no, just consider the Bogge, it was right next to me and Lucien, it was on your land. I could fight off others. Even it's just enough to buy time, to scream for help. And if you help me train my mind, I can fight off mental attacks like the Bogge's, and I would be in fewer incidents because I'd be aware of my surroundings. Plus with you being more free now, we would get to spend more time together." I smiled, a little out of breath.

"...Okay.'

I wasn't above begging, I needed to be physically fit when I go Under the Mountain again or I really die. Plus who knows how much Rhysand would be digging through my head, I needed to be able to keep him out, he can't know I'd done this before. I tried again. "Please? I really, really want t– ...Wait, did you say yes?"

He nodded and I smiled in victory.

"Okay great, when do we get started then?"

"Tomorrow, for now stretch. Tonight I'll have Alis run you a hot bath. You will eat a good amount of food at dinner and breakfast, or you'll spend tomorrow stretching too."

He headed back inside and I layed on the ground to begin my stretches.

~~~~~

That night at dinner I ate three chicken breasts, a salad, mashed potatoes, and a slice of bread soaked in balsamic vinegar and oil. It was exquisite.

After I eat I am sore from stretching all afternoon and my joints ache so I gladly head up to the bathroom where Alis has drawn the promised bath. I slide in and she rubs my neck and shoulders, while another maid works out my hamstrings and calves.

I head to bed, light as a cloud in my silk bathrobe.