The Albatross [walker]

two.

"The car's in reverse,
I'm grippin' the wheel
I'm back between villages and everything's still"
— The view between villages by Noah Kaham

/ back in the saddle \
season 1, episode 2

The day starts off on a bad note. When I wake up, I find Cordell's jacket tucked under my pillow, its scent wrapping around me and making it harder to forget him.

It was easier when he was away on his undercover job. I didn't see him for a year, so I didn't feel the familiar butterflies and shivers whenever he was near. I missed him, sure, but I didn't miss the way he made me feel—because it's no good if it's not reciprocated; it's just an aching pain.

When I get to the sidestep to start my shift, I glimpse Cordell Walker's face as he sits on a stool, my sister in front of him, wiping tears from her eyes.

I pause, wondering what's going on, but my thoughts immediately shift to Emily.

Emily was Geri's best friend. They were delivering water bottles to the border when Emily was shot and killed. Geri doesn't talk much about it; she prefers to focus on happy moments with Em. But who better to share this grief with than Cordell?

I remember feeling left out when they hung out together, especially at the sidestep while I worked. Geri, Emily, Cordell and Hoyt were inseparable, and I watched from a distance.

Hoyt is one of my closest friends, but it never felt the same when he was with them. Probably because he was the only one who noticed my feelings for Cordell. I pushed myself away out of guilt and shame.

I always felt like my problems were mine alone, and I didn't want to burden anyone.

Except for Stella and Auggie Walker, who were always so happy to be around me that I felt I could never let them down with my disappearances.

When Cordell leaves without even glancing at me, I walk up to Geri and sit at the bar. "You okay?"

Geri clears her throat and brushes her finger under her eye. "Yes, um... We were just talking about Emily."

"What about Emily?"

I don't want to intrude or seem overly curious, but seeing her cry makes me feel as if a part of me is hurting too. She sighs. "He's convinced there's more to Emily's murder than it seemed. He's creating theories. He thought... he thought finding her with her eyes closed meant something else..."

I clear my throat and lean against the counter, clasping my hands. "Like what?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "But I told him it was me. Told him I was the one who closed her eyes..."

I watch as more tears well in her eyes. I get up and walk closer, placing my hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry..."

Sorry for Emily, and sorry for being such a pain in the ass sister, I think to myself.