Vent-

25th Oct 2024, 10:10-10:30pm

I really doubt anyone will read this but just a warning this is gonna be a lot of heavy shit so- click off if yr sensitive to this- there's gonna be death talk- self harm talk- trauma talk- and more so be warned

at this point i don't know what to do anymore- I love my friends and people I know but every time I have an argument with my mother she always makes me feel like I'm nothing- like I'm just dust or something worthless.. why does she hate me? what did I do to her? I know she wasn't meant to have me but God why does she act like I'm such a burden- like I'm sorry for existing but I cant do anything about it- yeah for fucks sake I wanna die but you don't need to remind me everytime you're upset that I'm a mistake, I get it but please I cant do this anymore- I wanna die and I cant help it I cant go to my boyfriend because I'm gonna worry him, I cant go to my bestie because its 10:22pm and she's asleep but I don't know what to do anymore- every night my mom argues with me it just makes me wanna never wake up, I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know if I should do anything anymore, life is stupid and It wont leave me alone, I just want to die at this point but now I feel as if i'd be too selfish to kill myself, if I hurt myself my bestie or boyfriend would notice- and God if my mom noticed she'd send me to a mental ward- but I cant go there- I cant handle pills or needles- why cant she leave me alone?? I did nothing to her yet she pains me so much- I'm practically on house arrest rn because I'm moving and I have to get my room done- yes I know I do but why cant she trust that I'm gonna get it done?? life is becoming too much and I don't know how much more I can handle- I just wanna die at this point- cut every part of my body then maybe i'll feel like I'm okay- but will she notice? what will it take her to realize that she's done too much, its too much, everything feels so overwhelming now, school is too much, life is too much- I need help but i'll hurt others if I ask for help, I don't know what to do anymore, I want her to notice but she doesnt- why why WHY?! why cant she fucking notice the pain I go through every day- looking at my body and remembering all the times she made fun of it and told me to cut the food- well congrats mom because now eating makes me wanna die- I cant eat without feeling as if I'm gonna disappoint you more and more- I'm sorry I was such a bad kid but what do you expect? you were barely there, you were gone so much- I've cried and cried for you but my head hurts now- I don't know how much more I can take- life's too much-