Unexpected love

Internal Battles

Chapter 4

Fahad would only be here for nine more months. The thought echoed in my mind like a bell, faint at first but getting louder the more I tried to ignore it. Every time I closed my eyes, I could picture his smile, the way his gaze softened when he looked at me, the way he called me "Jelly" like he'd been saying it forever. The warmth in his voice when he said it, the way he lingered on the word like he wanted to savor it—those were the things that seemed to settle in my heart, no matter how hard I tried to keep them out. But every time I thought about letting myself get closer to him, reality stepped in, reminding me that he'd be gone soon.

The worst part was, I wasn't sure I wanted to just let this go. My heart and my head were wrestling in a way they hadn't in a long time. It was like part of me wanted to just jump in and let myself feel, while the other part of me was standing back, guarding every bit of emotional investment I could muster. I wanted to talk to someone, to say everything I was feeling out loud, hoping it would somehow make sense or at least give me a little clarity. That's when I decided to call Ray, my best friend, hoping her voice might bring me back to solid ground.

We decided to meet up at our usual spot, this cozy little coffee shop that always smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. I loved that smell; it was comforting and familiar. As I walked in, I spotted Ray right away. She was already settled into our corner booth, one leg crossed over the other, sipping her latte with that no-nonsense look on her face that told me she was about to get right to the heart of the matter.

"Alright, what's up?" Ray said, raising an eyebrow as I slid into the seat across from her. She always had this sixth sense about me, like she could tell when I was holding back or when something was weighing on me, even before I said a word.

I let out a deep breath, suddenly feeling a bit exposed. "It's Fahad," I said quietly, glancing down at my juice refresher. I didn't really care for coffee, and Ray teased me about it often enough. "He's... he's only here for nine more months, Ray. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know if it's smart to keep spending time with him, or if I should just try to be friends." The words tumbled out in a rush, like I'd been holding my breath and finally exhaled.

Ray took a long, thoughtful sip of her latte before setting her cup down and leaning forward. "Okay, let me just say it: You've been in your head a lot about this," she said, giving me a gentle but firm look. Her expression softened as she reached across the table, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. "You're scared, and I get it. But, Journee... what if this doesn't have to be so black-and-white? Maybe you don't have to figure everything out right now. Maybe it's okay to just... let things be. What's that saying..." she looked up, searching for the words. "'It's better to have loved than to not at all,' or something like that."

Her words sank in, and for a moment, I felt the weight on my chest lighten. I wanted to believe her, to just let myself be in the moment, but the thought of putting my heart on the line for someone who would eventually leave still scared me. "I just don't want to end up hurt," I said softly. "Or worse, hurt him. He's so... real, Ray. Like, he means what he says. He makes me feel like..." I trailed off, unsure how to put it into words.

Ray gave me a sympathetic smile. "It sounds like you're already halfway in. You don't look at him like he's just a friend, you know? Maybe it's worth exploring, even if it's not forever." She paused, looking thoughtful. "And if he makes you happy, isn't that what matters?"

As she spoke, I felt a warmth settle in my chest. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was overthinking everything, and maybe it didn't have to be so complicated. I could let myself enjoy this, even if it came with a deadline. Maybe, just maybe, it was worth seeing where things would lead.

Ray must have sensed my hesitation because she shifted in her seat, a hint of skepticism in her eyes. "Listen, while we're on the topic... what's up with Gemma?"

I furrowed my brow, surprised by the sudden shift in conversation. "What do you mean?"

Ray leaned back, crossing her arms with a look that told me she wasn't about to let this slide. "I mean, every time you mention Fahad, she has something to say. You told me she's been saying things like, 'You're so lucky,' or, 'Guys like him are hard to find,' but it's not just that. It's the way she says it." Ray's eyes searched mine, gauging my reaction. "All those little comments that don't sit right. And I don't know, Journee, I don't want to sound harsh, but sometimes it feels like she's not... fully on your side, even with your ex she kept encouraging you to stay with him."

I chewed on her words, replaying all those moments when Gemma's words had felt a bit too loaded. The way she'd smile but it wouldn't quite reach her eyes. "I thought it was just me," I admitted, feeling a strange relief saying it out loud. "Like... I am lucky to have someone like him. I don't know... Gemma's been acting a little strange lately."

Ray nodded, her voice softening as if she didn't want to push too hard. "You two have been friends a while, but it's okay to admit if something feels off. I don't know what's going on with her, but it's worth keeping an eye on. You deserve friends who want the best for you, Journee. Friends who build you up, not just... remind you how 'lucky' you are."

Just then, my phone chimed. It was a text from Gemma. *Are you free tonight? I could use some company.* I looked up at Ray, who raised an eyebrow as if to say, *Case in point.*

"You think I should go?" I asked her, my voice uncertain.

Ray shrugged, her gaze softening. "It's up to you. Just... don't let her energy pull you down. She's been a little shady lately, especially when it comes to Fahad. Just keep that in mind, alright?"

After our conversation, I decided to meet up with Gemma. My stomach twisted with unease as I approached her place. She greeted me with a smile, though it seemed smaller, more fragile than usual, like there was something weighing on her. We made small talk for a bit, but it felt forced. I could sense that she wanted to say something but was holding back.

Eventually, I decided to ask her directly. "So... how's everything going with Omar?" I asked, watching her closely. Omar was Fahad's best friend, and I knew they'd been dating for a few months now, but something in her eyes told me there was more to the story.

Gemma sighed, her shoulders slumping a little. "It's... complicated," she admitted, playing with the hem of her sleeve. "I thought things were good, but he's been distant. I thought we were serious, but lately I feel like I don't know where we stand."

The way she said it surprised me. I'd never seen Gemma look this vulnerable. "Have you guys had sex?" I blurted out without thinking, immediately feeling my face heat up. It was probably too blunt, but seeing her look this sad and conflicted over a guy was... new.

She looked away, a faint blush creeping up her cheeks. "No, not yet," she said quietly. "I thought maybe waiting would make things... special. But sometimes it feels like he's waiting for something else. Like he's not really... committed."

I reached over, touching her hand. "I had no idea. You can talk to me, you know?"

She nodded, forcing a smile, but there was something else there, a sadness or frustration I couldn't quite name. For the first time, I saw her not as the confident, fashionable friend who seemed to have it all together, but as someone who was struggling just like I was. And maybe, just maybe, that was why some of her words about Fahad had felt... off. Maybe her own insecurities with Omar were bleeding into our friendship, creating tension that neither of us fully understood.

As I left her place that night, I felt more conflicted than ever. Here I was, wrestling with the fact that Fahad would only be here for nine more months, wondering if it was worth risking my heart for someone who might leave, while Gemma dealt with her own insecurities with Omar. It was like we were both walking on thin ice, each of us trying to find solid ground, but afraid to take that next step.

The entire drive home, Ray's words kept replaying in my mind: Maybe it's worth exploring, even if it's not forever.

N/A

This is just a short and sweet chapter