Gerard's Diary
It was a hard decision but I did it. I went to the funeral. I hate cemeteries, but I wanted to see him. I haven't seen him or the others since the band broke up. When he stared at me, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
"You only live forever in the lights you made."
Mikey is my brother. He's always been my best friend. When he looked into my eyes I suddenly knew what actually happened that one night, on 20st March 2013.
"I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes"
Everyone in the club seemed to be happy. I can't remember who was there with me, but we all had too much alcohol. But I wasn't happy. I never told anyone about the drugs. It was my secret. The others thought that I wouldn't do it anymore. I can't remember exactly what I had swallowed this night, but it made me angrier and angrier.
"Gimme all your poison and gimme all your pills"
The hate and the rage focussed on one person. Mikey. My brother had always been the one to make decisions. He never seemed to be afraid. He always seemed so perfect to me. It was my jealousy that let the rage rise up in me. The rage and the fear. My insecurities seemed to chase me in my mind and I just wanted to run away.
"Everybody wants to change the world but noone wants to die."
I don't know exactly what happened, but I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I could make it. Mikey sometimes laughed about my fear of heights. I can't even remember how I got on the roof of the shopping center, but when I finally stood so close to the edge, I couldn't do it.
"Because the drugs never work, they're gonna give you a smirk."
I hated myself for being afraid. I don't know what happened then. I heard voices that told me to jump and I heard voices that told me to stay. I was confused. I wanted to turn around and leave the roof, but suddenly I fell. I fell in a dark hole and then everything was gone. My head was empty.
"But even lights can fade away."
I woke up in the hospital. My rage was still there. The drugs had changed my mind. I saw things that weren't there. I saw Mikey who pushed me down the edge. I was so confused. I couldn't remember exactly what happened. My only thought was: My brother wanted to kill me. But this thoughts were illusion. My paranoia was killing me. What was reality and what was a dream?
"We all wanna party when the funeral ends."
" I broke up with Mikey and started to live my own life. Frank and Ray tried to talk to me, but I ignored them. I found a way out of the drugs and depression, somehow. My wounds healed and life got easier. But it is still something missing. My brother. My friends. The band. I still make music, but it's not the same.
"Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls."
My Chemical Romance. That's why I went to the funeral. And I made a decision. I am holding some letters in my hand. And I hope so much that they'll say yes.
„Because the world will never take my heart."
