Dying alone

Confusion

Her gaze remained fixed on mine, and I felt paralyzed, unsure of what she expected from me.Suddenly, she looked away and said, "I shall take my leave now." "Wait," I whispered, locking eyes with her. "Why me?" That was the only question that mattered, the one that could unravel everything. It had been years since I grew up in this place. After my parents passed away, this orphanage became my refuge. No one wanted a 10-year-old runaway like me, but the houseparent was the only one who dared to take me in. She saved me. I had lived on the streets for months. After my parents passed away, I felt safe only only on the street, yet it managed to change my life. She was like my hero. I remember looking her into her eyes with tears and telling her that I'll remember her kindness. She raised me, becoming a mother figure, yet also an enforcer of rules that sometimes felt like abandonment. I wasn't the only one. The orphanage was filled with children my age ,also kept under the houseparent.

In that moment, I was torn between gratitude and resentment. Why was it so complicated? Why did she have to be both my savior and my captor? My emotions swirled inside me, and I yearned for clarity, for an answer to the question that haunted me.

As she began to ascend the stairs, she paused and looked back at me. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to," she said sternly. "It's never been a 'Why me?' It's always been you." With that, she turned away, her footsteps echoing as she climbed. "You're free," she called back, her words hanging in the air. I stood there, grappling with the weight of her declaration, caught between the promise of freedom and the chains of my past.

"Free again," I thought. What did she mean by that? Did she mean my freedom from this place, or from everything that happened to me? As her footsteps faded, I slowly began to rise, crawling towards the staircase, staring up at the endless steps ahead of me.

I took my first step and immediately collapsed. My body felt so cold and drained of energy that each movement was like pushing a heavy rock. I didn't know what to make of it all. My relationship with the houseparent was always strange compared to the others; she had found me on the streets. To her, my rebellious nature was unacceptable. I was different, and that was something she could never accept. Nobody did, I thought, as I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. My next attempt to stand failed, but I had to keep trying. If she offered me freedom, I needed to seize it, or it would swallow me whole, trapping me in a place where freedom didn't exist.

I remember the first time she said to me, "Believe in my rules, and freedom will seek you. Disobey my rules, and freedom will lose you." She said this after catching me sneaking out to gaze at the night sky. I felt no guilt; the night sky was my sanctuary, my escape. Sneaking out helped me understand myself better. That night was also the first time she locked me up, but it was only in my room. I was forbidden from going outside for weeks, yet I still defied her rules. I continued to sneak out and lose myself in the stars.

The one thing I never dared to do was leave. Why would I abandon a place that has accepted me? If I left, I would have nowhere to go, and I already felt lost. This is the only place that accepts people like me.

I continued trying to crawl the endless depths of stairs up, glancing back at the stairs I had already crawled through. Normally, I would love to fall down again and let fate decide, but I sensed that death didn't want me now. The only thing waiting for me was a life intertwined with death and devoid of purpose. So why was I crawling these steps up into hell or life? Maybe there was still hope within me, even though my body felt drained of life. Perhaps it was the persistent whisper of "free" that kept echoing in my mind. But why me? Why was I being set free?

Throughout my whole childhood, I was let go. The houseparent didn't. I had to obey the rules, but I disobeyed them and let myself go. Now she announces I'm free? No, she wants to let me go? Free from what? Or to what? I broke down once more on the middle of the staircase. It actually mirrored my mind. I was torn between the two worlds of freedom and imprisonment.

It had always been like that, and it always would be, even before my parents passed away. I never had a lovely childhood. My parents wouldn't resort to violence, but the lack of attention and love felt like a trap, leaving me alone. Their strictness provided some form of attention, but not in a way I felt I truly deserved.

The houseparent saved me, yet also kept me under her authority and made that clear.

All I want is some space, alone, for me, alone. Yet I always crave something deeper than that. I lay still on the stairs, overwhelmed by these thoughts.I want them to vanish, but they persist, growing stronger with each passing.

The past three days in this place have drained what feels like the rest of my lifespan. Everything that happened here felt like it occurred in an instant,yet it already seems like years have gone by.

"Only a little bit", I said looking up to the large door and trying to gather some courage. "Just a few more", I sighed heavily. I need to get out of this place, it suffocates me in memories and thoughts I shouldn't be thinking about. The houseparent is right. I shouldn't ask questions I don't want the answer to. I shouldn't question anything anymore. It's how it is. I should accept that." This place haunts me". I mumbled. Even though I was almost out, almost being called "Free", I hear it shadows consume me and pull me into another chaos. I froze. Is this a dream again.

Yes it was a nightmare ,in reality.

The shadows dancing around me, taunting me to get back down.
Is this the same place, I thought heaven exists? No I should have known from the beginning that heaven cannot exist in my world."I can't let them get through me, I thought gripping the railing tightly. Tears formed in my eyes. "Not again" I said.
I looked around. Me alone on the staircase followed by darknesss, surrounding me.

That's why you don't fear. Because they will come true and follow you.