Underneath the Surface

Chapter 1: Halloweekend

I know you're not allowed to say it out loud, but drugs are kind of cool. Cool before they wreck your body, your life, and your family. It's actually a tiny window of cool. But the most I do is smoke Mary J, maybe a bit of shrooms, occasionally a few pills. I never really got into the wild stuff. That's a bit too extreme for me. All my life, I heard how horrible drugs were. But when I found Mary Jane, I found the feeling I'd been searching for since I was 8. I asked myself, is this it? The sense of the world being quiet and finally feeling safe inside my own head. My thoughts race like restless shadows, chasing each other throughout my mind, never letting me rest. But with Mary Jane, the noises quiet down, the edges blur, and for a little while, I can finally breathe in silence.

I don't remember much from when I was 8, but I know that's when I felt a switch in my brain. I became extremely self-aware, and depression came along with it. It was around the time my grandpa passed away. It was my first experience with death. The world began to move so slow, and my brain was moving so fast. That's also when I found out I didn't believe in religion, but that's a whole thing to get into later. I believed my role was to fix everything and everyone around me. I kept my depression a secret and fantasized about meeting someone who would finally see me for who I am, not how I'd perform for them. I was the perfect student in school and only got in trouble for my attitude. I listened to marriage problems, walked on eggshells, and did my best to manage everyone else's anxiety and worries. And no one noticed mine. I spent so much time in my room, trying to find and create peace. I had to be the responsible and strong one because no one else was. I feel overwhelmed by exhaustion and burnout, yet I conceal these emotions, struggling to understand my emotional state. I became an expert at hiding it all. No one ever thought to look beneath the surface, and I made sure of that. Smiling when I had to, giving the right answers, playing the role they expected me to.

But tonight, as I stood on the edge of chaos, as my best friend, Kayla, and I walked up to Aaron's house. I could hear the bass thudding through the walls, the kind of sound that makes your bones vibrate. People in costumes were already spilling out onto the lawn, laughing and shouting, like nothing in the world could touch them. As we stepped through the front of the house, the smell of alcohol, mary j, and sweat hit me like a wave. My skin buzzed with the vibrations from the music, but none of it reached my mind. Everything felt a little too sharp, a little too real. It was Halloweekend, the weekend of Halloween. It's filled with parties and a bunch of events. I'm a sucker for anything spooky, really. It's the best season. No one can tell me otherwise. However, this year, I wasn't feeling up to doing anything. My friends practically had to beg me to come out tonight. It took quite a bit of convincing. My social anxiety has been driving me mad. And to top it off, I'm completely sober. 5 days sober, to be exact. No one talks about how hard it is. I've always wondered how people can live life like this. Halloween used to be my favorite night; it felt magical, like a brief escape from reality. But now, as I stood outside of Aaron's door, it felt like just another mask to wear. I should've been more excited. The costumes, the music, the crowd-it should've been my favorite kind of chaos. But I was ready to go back into my bubble. The itch for mary jane curls in my chest. It pulls at me like a whisper from the back of my mind, soft and persistent, promising peace if I just give in. My best friend Kayla loved to party, and her poison was tequila. I also love tequila, but I'm a lightweight. It's so embarrassing, so I don't drink anymore. The only reason I'm even sober right now is because of my boyfriend, Daniel. We are way too similar, but the only difference is that he doesn't do drugs. And I do or did. We made it work in our relationship until recently. Which means he was never okay with it in the first place. Anyway, he convinced me to give up my addiction and challenged me to be sober. I love Daniel, and I would do anything for him. So I did something I'd never thought I would do since I started smoking when I was 14 years old; I quit smoking mary jane. Now, to some people, it may not be a big deal, but it is a huge deal for someone who relies on it to help control their sanity. My mind was still trapped, stuck in that restless loop, no matter how loud the music or how wild the crowd. I sighed, feeling the weight of it all settle in my chest just as Kayla turned to me, her usual party energy impossible to ignore.