all too well

chapter eleven. . . mysteries revealed

EVER SINCE WINNING THE GAMES, I'D BARELY STEPPED FOOT IN THE TOWN SQUARE. I felt awful because Tam Amber had been round my house a couple of times, but I had shut him out. If Snow realised I loved him, I can only imagine what would happen to him. So I started distancing myself from him.

However, by doing that, I was also distancing myself from knowing about my grandma and the Covey. In fact, I never talked to anyone associated with the Covey. Sure, I'd pay the Everdeen's for their meat every week, but only at the Hob, where I knew Snow had no cameras to see. Even then, I don't talk to them beyond niceties, and neither of us really talks about our covey heritage. Sometimes I hear him sing to his eldest, and I smile, recognising the song, before remembering I'm not supposed to know who he is. It would kill me if any of them died at Snow's hands—knowing I'd ended the Covey bloodline.

Slowly, I understood more and more about Haymitch. Why he never left his house except to buy more alcohol. Why he closed himself off from everyone. Why he drank so heavily. Why he'd never married or even dated afterwards.

They would invade my dreams. Azalea, Scythe and Dusty. Even the careers would make guest appearances now and then. I couldn't count how many times I woke up in the middle of the night, with my hands gripping my sheets and my heart beating rapidly.

The games were preventing me from living my life. Well, not the games. Just Snow. Even the other week, while I was buying squirrels and berries from Mr Everdeen, I was getting ready to leave when my eyes locked with this girl, she smiled at me kindly—and I just looked away. I can't risk friends or romances when I have a target on my back, all thanks to Snow.

That's why I spent most of my nights making dinner while singing to myself. These were the only things that kept me sane these days. Everyone loved me at the moment, as they were receiving packages filled with food and other essentials to keep the entire district alive. It was one of the many perks of winning the Hunger Games. That, and this new house.

I'd moved into the victor's village immediately after coming back, having nothing other than my jewellery and clothes from the games. And the abundance of money that I'd never need. I spent most of my days moping around the house or down at the hob, putting money back into the economy. Then most of my nights consisted of waking up in a panic or writing new lyrics for a song. I wasn't good at it like my grandma, but I had one song coming along. It's way too political for the Capitol, as even the dumbest of them would catch on, but I didn't have anything else to write about. There was no warm body in my bed keeping me company, so it's not like I knew how to write about sex and love.

I snuck onto the meadow on pleasant days, despite the fences trying to keep me in—or to keep my grandma out. So many questions always swirled through my head; none were being answered any time soon. Knowing the basics of how my grandma and Snow were connected wasn't enough anymore. I needed to know more, about everything. About how my grandma felt during the Hunger Games. How she survived after them. Who my grandpa and pa were. Why everyone was keeping it a secret from me?

Most importantly, I needed to know who my ma was. It seemed I knew some things about my grandmas' histories, and how they fell in love, but my ma was a mystery. She never talked to me about her life or my pa's, making me assume it was boring. But now, knowing how the Hunger Games changed me, I wondered if maybe she never told me because it would paint my grandma in a negative light. I didn't understand trauma very well, but if there's something Haymitch and these past six months have taught me, it's that trauma can completely change someone.

Today was a day like other days, it was cold and miserable outside—so I was staying inside. I had been down to the Mellark's bakery yesterday and bought a cake because I felt like it. Bruce was the one in the front, and he apologised for how he had treated my ma and me all those years ago. He didn't have to, because if I was in the same position and someone had appeared out of nowhere and brought up something traumatic, like the games, I would have asked them to leave as well.