Melancholy

Trust

"But mom why can't-", I get cut off by my mother.

"No. Why do you always have to go to peoples house's to do a project? Do it after school in school. You always have an excuse to play with your friends. Why don't you be honest and say you only want to go to this girl's house just to fool around?", I smirk a little when she says 'fool around'.

"You always make excuses to do stupidness! You are so-"

"The school shuts down right after school is done for students, it's for security purposes", I fib a little.

My mom looks straight into my eyes and gives me a look of disapporval and her head shakes slightly. When my mom is upset her head shakes as if she's cold.

"Then how come you can stay after school until five for extra math help then?", she kisses her teeth.

I bite my lip and feel my chest tighten. This isnt how kids should feel when they're talking to their parents. Like they're in constant fear and can't tell them anything. This isn't normal.

"Because a teacher is present. A teacher is supervising and that's why only once a week they have that program", I can feel my toes curl in my socks. I know my facial and body language isn't matching up to my words.

My mother exhales loudly and stares at me; examining me. Neither of us speaks for about 30 seconds.

"I'll think about it", she takes her eyes off me and directs them the pile of news papers on the counter.

"Thanks", I exhale the air I was apparently holding and feel my chest get lighter.

I head upstairs and stop in my tracks as my mom sturnly says "Don't thank me I didn't say yes."

My palms are too clammy for me to hold onto the railing so I carefully climb up the stairs.

I belly flop on the bed. Oww! My ribs hit the hard edge of my mattress. I flip to my back and turn on my phone. Myrids of messages from Klorissa. I might as well call her to explain my situation. She doesn't have a phone so I dial her house phone.

One ring, Two Rings, Three rings..

"H-hello, who is this", a gruff croaky male voice at the other end answers.

Unsure of whether this is Klorissa's dad or brother I say "It's-It's Klorissa's fri-"

I was cut of by the rough voice yelling in my ear.

"Klora some friend of yours is on the phone!"

I faintly hear a familiar voice yell back "I got it"

"Hey", Klorissa sounds out of breath and very much awake unlike the other voice.

"Hi, uh-uhh about the project-"

"it's gonna be fun huh!", she sounds very enthusiastic.

"I can't wait, I mean you're the best person to have as a partner. You're always on time and you never flake out like other people", she goes on about the list of the people that disappointed her.

"So what did you want to say", she inquires.

"Uhh, what time again Monday again?", my voice cracks.

"Right after school remember?"

"Uh yeah, so untill then we just do small parts of the project in class?"

"Basically yeah, sorry hun I got to go walk Max, kisses", Klorissa hangs up before I can say goodbye.

I sigh.

I hate dissapointing people, I do that enough to my family, might as well keep one person happy. Before people tell me secrets I tell them 'you can trust me", I mainly say that because I have many secrets of my own but I don't think I say it because they can truly rely on me keeping their secret safe. I always end up telling at least one person. I never tell a bunch of people though but I have a way of always telling someone. I'm not trust worthy at all and I get why my mom maks a big deal of me leaving to go to someone else's house. The amount of times I lied to her and gone behind her back, it's ridiculous. I just want freedom and chill parents. Guess I have to earn their trust.

I get up and drag my feet to my dresser. I rummage through my unorganized make up bag for my make up wipes. I look in my mirror as I wipe off my make up. I curl my lip in disdain as my acne scarring becomes visible. Concealer doesn't last forever sadly. All my flaws staring at me, showing me who I really am. I'm not confident, not beautiful...not trustworthy. A pair of squinty, boring brown eyes look back at me in disgust. Look at you, with a forehead full of black heads, and cheeks clearly displaying every time you've ever dug at your pimples. You're skin tone is so uneven by your mouth. You already look so masculine now you look like you have a mustache.

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP", my head feels heavy and my ears become hot. Tears spring from eyes as I stare at the repulsive image facing me.

They're back, they haven't acted up in a while but they're back; the voices.

I hate myself so much. I hate how I can't be normal and simply make my parents proud. I hate how I look. I hate how I can't keep my word. I'm just not in a goood place right now.

My phone vibrates and my lockscreen lights up. It's a message from Keegan.

Keeg's: Heyyyy beautiful ;p

I can't deal with him right now. Just want to be alone, I mean what am I suppose to say?