Melancholy

Routine

I lay my head down on my pillow and align my body. I feel my heart beating faster than normal, I feel my breath coming out short and staggered and my palms a little moist. I don't like lying, but I like freedom. I throw my heavy backpack on the floor beside my bed and lightly rest my violin case on the floor at the foot of my bed.

My life needs organization, I need a routine. I always procrastinate. I have bad time management skills and I am constantly reminded of that by my mother. I rarely do my homework, I rarely practice pieces on my violin and I never study for tests. My marks are all boarder line. It's not that I don't care about my grades but there's just so much going on in my head, and when I can't understand something I just get frustrated. I cannot retain information like other kids. I am horrible at math, and I hate it. I just want to break down and cry.

I just want to kill myself, I have a strong feeling I'm going to do it some time in the future so why not do it now? I can see myself ten years from nowsingle, sad, alone, up to my ass in dept and overdosing on prescription drugs. I have vivid images of me attempting suicide quite often. It's a little alarming. Nothing has to trigger me for these thoughts to enter my mind it just happens.

I reach for my phone and charger. 28% battery left. I charge my phone and unlock it. I open my sound cloud app where most of the music I listen to is stored. I go to my playlist named Chills and play the first song. Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Ray plays. I love her voice. She's one of the white singers I know that sings with soul. Some white singers do not sound like they sing from the heart and sounds a little airy. Don't even say I'm being racist because it is a fact and I did not generalize the whole race as being airy singers. I turn the volume up all the way and get lost in the words.

I said I needed a routine, but this seems to be my routine. 7:05 pm already. I take off Flora's clothes and stuff it into my small Roots backpack and put on sweat pants and a black tank top. I walk downstairs and help myself to some soup. I swear only Caribbean family's eat soup on hot days. My dad is on the couch watching Netflix on his Ipad and my mom is downstairs on the phone. I sneak upstairs with the soup and go to my room. I'm not allowed to eat food in my room. I open my laptop and go to Netflix. I watch Orange is the New Black. I've watched both seasons and I can't wait until season three! I binge watch three episodes and look at the time.

9:10 pm already? My actual bed time is 9:30 pm but my parents let me push it to 10:00, when I actually push it to 11:00. One night my dad woke up at 2:00 in the morning and caught me on my laptop and now I'm not allowed to keep my devices in my room. I lied and said I was on Youtube but I was actually skyping Keegan and Klorrisa. Never skyped that late again. I get off Netflix and go on my strings website and pretend that I'm doing homework. I'm so fake.

I just wish I could have more freedom. Let me stay up late, let me skype friends. I wouldn't even call this being sheltered. This is why I like going to friends house to get away from this prison cell. I don't usually go to Flora's house but I guess today was an exception.

I usually go to Klorissa's house because it's so close to the school that from there I'd just walk or take the bus home. Klorissa is a really good friend. She's really close to me, and understands me. It's kinda funny because we became friends when I had a crush on her. I don't know my sexuality but all I know is that I am not straight and I like girls and guys. We really started talking when we were in the school play last semester. It was fun, and she was the one I had my eyes on. The way she carries herself, so confidently, she's respectful and stunning. She's not beautiful in the way you'd look at art and find it attractive. She's beautiful in the way you'd look at art and think about what it's meaning. She abstract and unique. There's something about her that I can't really...I can't really explain it. She's the type of art a majority of the crowd wouldn't look twice at but one odd person out of the crowd falls in love with it and doesn't exactly know why. She's such a prepossessing sight with an electric soul, and I wish she could see it. Klorrisa thinks I think too high of her. I don't. I still think the same of her, I never stopped liking her like that but when you can't have someone you have to let go especially when you have a boyfriend. She straight, I'm not. She's single, I'm not. Another night, almost dozed off thinking her again.

Tomorrow's Tuesday, and I have to do this all over again. Routine. I don't thinks there's ever a day that goes by without arguing with my parents. I just hate my life right now, so much is going on and my family isn't making it any better. They say your teenage years are the easiest years. Lies. My youth is wasted. I just hope the rest of my teen years are better. Hopefully I get my shit together. 10:04 pm. I decide to turn off my laptop and phone and go to sleep. I put my devices in the other room and charge them and go back to my other room. I rarely get ready to go to sleep this early, I'm usually skyping Klorissa or Keegan or both. Guess tonight is different. I turn off the lights and crawl under my sheets. I shut my eyes and imagine paradise. No Essie, you're not going to sleep that easily.

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Author's note: I am sorry for my rambling thoughts, this chapters isn't very much together but I tried my best.

-Bree