Old Habits Die Hard - A JJ fanfiction (Criminal Minds)

Chapter 1

JJ has been back home for a few weeks now, at least physically she was there. During the time of her abduction she knew that this would change her life. Create wounds that can't be healed. Trauma for a lifetime put on her already damaged mind in a matter of days.
She knew she had to put the work in and she tried, she really did. Nothing has changed yet, she still anxiously looks over her shoulder every step she takes, she wakes up screaming from her nightmares and the depression she's developed in silence is consuming her every move.

Of course she doesn't talk to Will about it, he wouldn't understand. She can't trust anyone, because as recent events have shown, everyone will stab her in the back enventually.

„JJ?" She suddenly hears Emily's voice interrupting her thoughts. She looks at her, giving the woman a small smile.

„Sorry," She says „what did you say?". She leans against the desk. „Wheels up in 20", Emily repeats, to which JJ just gives a small nod.

She walks out of the conference room, to her desk, grabbing her go-bag.
On the jet, she sits alone, looking out the window, rethinking her whole life, every decision.
She bites her lip a little bit, then a little bit harder, then until it's bleeding.
She tastes the metally taste of her own blood, finding comfort in the burning sensation.

The thoughts quiet down, almost like the world stands still for a moment or two. She's back in the moment, sitting in the jet, looking out the window, quiet chatter from her team members in the background. She feels the burn, only the burn. Like her mental pain has been lifted.

To her disappointment, the feeling doesn't last. The burning fades and with that the heavy feeling returns.

JJ has always been good at keeping her feelings to herself, but this time she is impressed with herself. She feels like it's so obvious that she is struggling, though no one seems to notice.

The though crosses her mind that the team just doesn't care about her. At least not like they used to... But who is she kidding? They all have their own lives, why should they care about how she is feeling. She isn't special, everyone's got some shit going on. Why would they stop to think about her?

It validates her feeling of being a waste of space, the feeling she thought she had burried together with Roz.

The jet soon lands, she gets up, following closely behind the others. She stays quiet, not wanting to interrupt them, as they seem to be having fun. Derek probably told one of his jokes, but she doesn't care.

At the police station she tries to be helpful, she stands infront of the board, desperately looking for a connection between the victims. Spencer is stood beside her, seemingly just as focused as her. Though she is sure that Reid is seeing something she isn't.

He goes to write something down on the board, having made a new connection. JJ just stares at the board, squinting her eyes as she cannot decipher what was just written. She never needed glasses, she should be able to read that...

The room starts spinning and she takes a seat at the table. Reid is eyeing her with concern as he speaks up, „JJ? Are you okay?" She looks at him, still trying to focus her eyes on him, she gives him her usual smile „Yeah, I'm fine, Spence. Just tired". He nods skeptically, knowing something is up, but he doesn't push the matter.

JJ shifts a little in her seat, her vision clearing up again. ‚Focus, Jennifer. Focus.' She tells herself in her mind over and over again. She hates being affected by things. ‚Stop feeling like this. Pitying yourself is weak' she thinks.

She forces her head back into the game, pushing away the demons of the past that are still haunting her. She forgets about them for now, giving her all to the case. A lingering uneasiness following her every step, like a shadow she can't escape.

The case progresses, her worries pushed aside. Before she is able to completely comprehend it, she's already sat on the jet back home. Time seems to pass her by, as she's frozen in it.

Emily takes a seat next to her, giving JJ's knee a gentle squeeze, almost as if she can feel that something is up. JJ gives her a small smile.