'' To be Liu Zhiyu was to be patient.
But he had been patient enough. ''
Can't change the weather, might not be forever
But if it's forever, it's even better
-BILLIE EILISH, BIRDS OF A FEATHER
He is okay with being unloved.
They refuse to accept...
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Zhiyu wasn't expecting a fifteen-year-old boy to answer the door to Chan's apartment, nor was he prepared for the wide-eyed stare that bore into his soul with chilling scrutiny.
"Erm—hello. Is Chan home? He invited me over to help tutor him and Mingyu in math." Zhiyu shifted uncomfortably in place, readjusting his grip on his backpack strap with profound anxiousness. He still didn't receive a response after a few awkward seconds of waiting, and at this point, the kid's jaw had dropped open, seemingly frozen in place.
For a moment, Zhiyu wondered if he'd gotten the address wrong when suddenly, a resounding crash echoed from within the apartment unit and Chan appeared at the doorway, face flushed and chest heaving. "You're here! Mingyu is already waiting for us in my room. Please, come in, come in!" Zhiyu was physically dragged through the threshold by Chan, stumbling around the surprisingly spacious area. "I hope my younger brother didn't cause you any trouble. You look very similar to an actor in one of the Chinese dramas he's been watching recently, and I'm sure he just mistook you for that celebrity."
What? How does he know that? Do they actually spend quality time together? Surely that isn't the case. Siblings aren't usually friends with one another, are they?
He didn't want to pry, but his curiosity overtook his conscience and the words spilled out of him before he could stop himself. "You know about his interests? Do you willingly spend time with him?"
The two of them stopped before Chan's closed bedroom door, halting so suddenly that Zhiyu nearly collided with his friend. "Of course I do! He's not just my brother, he's one of my best friends! Plus, When I Fly Towards Youis a great show, so I don't mind when he asks me to watch it with him."
"Oh, that's so sweet! I think the fact you two are so close is really awesome." His words came out peppy, which was a relief because he certainly didn't feel very upbeat on the inside. He waited until Chan returned his smile and looked away, allowing him a few precious seconds to relax his expression into one of deep confusion and utter disbelief.
How come their relationship is so much better than the one I have with Hanhua? I knew before that all families are different, but I didn't expect them to be this disjointed.
Why is it that my family has to be so cold while Chan's is so warm? Is there something wrong with me? Am I truly less deserving of happiness? Of basic humanity? I want something loving, but instead, I get relatives who treat me like a stranger. Arguably even worse than that. Strangers would respect me, at least. They don't seem to see me at all.
I don't think I've ever been angry at them before, but now that I've gotten to see how a real family should be, how could I not be mad? Seventeen fucking years spent being treated as though I have no value. I deserve to be loved. I want to be loved.
