I Hate Myself

Memories

I just don't know what to do anymore. Can someone please tell me, what's the point of life?

I feel like I'm drowning, I can't keep my head above water. I just want to let go, float, let the ocean take me. Nothing can be worse than living in this world. I'm so overwhelmed.

I want togo back to being the happy child I once was. I wish I could go back to being a carefree kid. Summer felt so long, hours outside playing soccer with my siblings, climbing trees, reading in the sunshine. Playing with my pets. Playing barefoot in the woods with my best friend the whole day. Running down to the river, building forts together.

I'm probably going to talk a lot about her. I miss my friend. She was my lifeline, but now we're not close anymore. I don't know why she'd want to hang out with me anymore. We used to be inseparable..now she hardly acknowledges me in school hallways. But I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You lose friends and make new ones. Only I haven't made any new ones, I'm still hoping we can go back to how we were.

In the winter we would go cross country skiing in my back woods, sledding down huge hills and created dares, snowball fights and igloo forts. I'm miss those moments so much.

I've tried to make other friends and I do have some but we're not all that close. I'm just the back up friend you know. They hang out with me when none of their real friends can. It makes me feel horrible. Like I'm worthless, disposable, a placeholder. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people with good intentions but can be a bit insensitive that way. I have people I know who just want to be friends with me that I don't like. I'm worried that I'm that person to a lot of people.

Sorry sometimes my thoughts get away from me and one topic leads to the next. I think that's going to be all for this part. I just don't know how to express everything I want to say.

Song suggestion: Best Friend Breakup by Lauren Spencer Smith