Ghost // Laurmani

Everything is Blue

You were so beautiful, I bet you still are. But I wouldn't know because we haven't spoken. It's been so long darling, I wish I could hear your voice again. But I'm giving you space and giving up on us. I guess.

I remember one day I drove down to the library to see you, it was this huge library with three floors, no one went up the third floor because it was always freezing cold up there. but we went up there anyway. I put my hands on your cheeks and kissed you for the first time. I remember how warm you were and your hands around my waist as you let me take over kissing you the way I always wanted. Softly but passionately, I held you close to me and my fingers ended up in your hair, I remember how you would turn your head to the side and sigh into my mouth, like you were so content just to be wrapped up in me. like you wanted to stay with me forever.

I never really did relationships, I even told you once. "Relationships usually bite me in the ass, I always ended up feeling more for a person than they felt for me." And look at where we are now. You're probably having the time of your life and I'm still laying in the shadows thinking of you.

I remember how I would ditch whatever it was I was doing and run to you, you would introduce me to your friends and they were all so lovely and invited me into their little pack so quickly because they knew how happy I made you. And you made me happy. I was always happy with you.

I hadn't been in a relationship in about two years, I knew I didn't need love in my life to be happy and that was true, but when I was with you I realised love made me much happier, and easier to be around. My mom and I never got along to well but when I was with you none of the things she said hurt me anymore because I knew there was a beautiful girl that would hold my hand and tell me I was lovely and her words shouldn't hurt me anymore. And they stopped. They stopped hurting because you loved me.
Or so I thought.

I don't know what to really believe anymore.

I still keep up with you on Tumblr, but you don't really put anything in your tags, so I know you're there but I have no idea how you're feeling. You don't post any breakup stuff so it's like our relationship never existed for you. But it was real for me. Even if it wasn't for you.

I went out last night. Got piss drunk and slept with someone. her name was Leigh-Anne and she reminded me of you. She left my house this morning with a kiss on the cheek for me and her number. I won't use it yet, I wouldn't start something that lasted more than a night because in the end I was thinking about you. Mani... I just don't understand why you won't fucking call me. in the end you said "let's be friends" and "maybe in a few months or years we can come back to each other" and I thought I would wait for you but now... I don't know.

I still think about you, when certain things come up in conversation like music, my mind drifts to you and how you're an amazing dancer or when it comes to movies, how you said you didn't want romance movies and how I promised our life together would be one. I'm sorry you didn't let me keep that promise.

We broke up because you stopped paying attention to me, even though you said you loved me it was like I couldn't feel it. I felt like you were lying to me and instead of you promising me what you felt for me was real you let me go. "Goodbye Lauren," God I can still taste it on my tongue. The words were ultraviolet and I could even feel them on my skin. I texted me that three times and even said "for real this time" and it still burns my chest like its a 3rd degree.

And I can't believe I'm the one missing you, reaching out for you in my bed when I know you're not there and that you didn't want me in the end and still I beg of you to come back to me. When I shouldn't want you.
I remember what it was like to be held by you and to kiss you and to love you and to be loved and adored by you I just can't believe I let it go on so long, feeling unappreciated and broken-hearted because you no longer had time for me.

You were always doing something ya know? Whether it was a family thing you couldn't even text me at. Or a dance recital I couldn't come to because you only wanted Family there, all this fucking bullshit that I stomached because I wanted to believe you still loved me. well I know the truth now, you don't care. I'm not sure you ever did. But you asked me out. you started this.

And then you left me in the cold with no clothes on my back.

I wanted to give us the world and you couldn't even give me a full day of your time.

Maybe one day we'll run into each other at the market and I'll go over to you and say hi, give you a hug and look into your eyes. I'll look for remorse, love, and maybe if you miss me. You eyes were dark but always expressive I would look right there for answers. Maybe we would talk for hours and you would promise to text me back next time. Maybe I would smile and tell you how much I would like that.

Or maybe so much time would pass that I would just look at you and go "Oh, that Normani, a girl I use to love until you burned me up. And then I got over her, let me go back to buying my groceries."

That would be wonderful.

But I think we both know I'm thinking "is there somewhere you can meet me?"

I have so many mixed feelings about us, I want us to be back together but at the same time I want to be over you so badly. I want to not miss you anymore. I want you to love me.

-Lauren