Of moonshine and memories | BoyXBoy

Chapter eight

Lucian sank down onto the couch, the weight of everything still hanging in the air between us, but he seemed content, for now, to let the tension simmer in silence. I leaned against the kitchen counter, staring down at my hands, trying to make sense of the chaotic emotions swirling in my head.

For a while, the only sounds were the quiet hum of the refrigerator and the distant noise of the city beyond the window.

Neither of us knew what to say next, and maybe that was for the best. It felt like we were tiptoeing around each other and any wrong move could send us spiraling again. I glanced over at him, noticing the way he slouched into the cushions, staring at the ceiling with a faraway look in his eyes.

He wasn't relaxed, he never really was, but at least the storm had passed for the moment.

I decided to clear the mess I'd made earlier with the food. The motions of cleaning were mechanical, something to distract me from the unresolved mess inside my head. I could feel Lucian watching me, even if he didn't say anything. There was a heaviness in the air, like we were both waiting for the other to make the next move.

After a while, I heard him shift on the couch. "You still cooking?" His voice broke through the silence, rough and tired.

I glanced over my shoulder. "Nah, not really hungry anymore."

Lucian let out a soft, humorless laugh. "Yeah. Figures."

He ran a hand over his face, and for a moment, I saw something flicker in his expression, like he was on the verge of saying something important, but it vanished just as quickly. Instead, he yawned, stretching his arms out. "Think I'll go to sleep, if that's okay with you."

Without saying another word, I nodded and headed to the bedroom, grateful for some space, even if it didn't feel like real distance. My mind was still running in circles, replaying the night over and over, but at least behind the closed door, I could try to shut it out.

I lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. The apartment was quiet now. I'd always been able to keep things under control, to compartmentalise.
But with Lucian back in my life, all those walls I'd carefully built were starting to crack.

Sometime after midnight, just as I was on the verge of drifting off, I heard the soft creak of the door opening. For a second, I stayed still, thinking maybe I'd imagined it. But then I caught the faint shuffle of footsteps across the floor.

Lucian didn't say anything as he slipped into the room. He didn't climb into bed either, which I half-expected him to try. Instead, he sat down on the floor, leaning his back against the side of the bed.
His presence filled the room like an unspoken confession, and I felt his proximity in a way that made it hard to breathe.

Neither of us said a word for a long time. I could hear his breathing, slow and steady, but I knew Lucian wasn't asleep. He was just as restless as I was.

"What are you doing?" I finally asked, my voice low and quiet.

Lucian shrugged, though I could hardly see it in the dark. "Don't know. Couldn't sleep out there."

I exhaled, running a hand through my hair. "You don't need to be in here either."

Lucian didn't answer right away. "Maybe not." His voice was quiet, like he was admitting something he didn't want to.

I turned on my side, looking down at him, though all I could make out was his silhouette in the dim light. "Lucian..."

"I'm not going to start anything." He muttered. "Just... couldn't be out there alone tonight."

The vulnerability in his voice caught me off guard. He wasn't usually like this. Defensive, cocky, reckless...that was Lucian. But this... this was something different.

I didn't know what to say. Hell, I barely knew how to feel. Part of me wanted to tell him to leave, to go back to the couch and give me space. But the other part, the part I hated admitting existed, didn't want him to go anywhere.

We sat there in the quiet, the only sound the faint hum of traffic outside. After a while, Lucian spoke again, his voice softer than I'd ever heard it. "Do you ever feel like you're just... stuck?"

His question hit harder than I wanted to admit. I stared at the ceiling again, not sure how to answer. "Sometimes."

"Yeah. Me too." Lucian shifted, resting his head back against the edge of the bed, right next to where my arm dangled over the side. "Feels like no matter what I do, I just keep fucking things up."

I didn't reply right away. I didn't have the answers for him, or even for myself. But in that moment, with Lucian sitting there on the floor, the bitterness and anger stripped away, I realized how much he had always been a reflection of my own chaos.
The part of me I'd spent years trying to control, trying to fix. And now, with him back in my life, everything was falling apart again.

"Lucian." I started, unsure of what I was about to say. "I don't know what the hell we're doing exactly, but you don't have to do this alone. You never did."

Lucian sighed, a deep, weary sound that carried all the weight of the years between us. "I don't know why you're still trying to help me." He muttered. "But... thanks. I appreciate it. A lot more than you probably know."

I felt a gentle tug, and then his fingers wrapped around my hand that dangled over the edge of the bed. He traced the lines of my palm slowly, his touch surprisingly soft. His fingers gliding over the rough skin of my knuckles, as if memorizing the shape of them.

Lucian's voice broke the silence, lower now, his words carrying a kind of vulnerability I wasn't used to hearing from him. "You meant a lot to me back then, Vincent. More than I ever let on. Back then I thought...maybe if I could get my shit together, I'd be good enough for you. That we could... I don't know... figure it out. Together."

I swallowed hard, my throat suddenly tight.

"But when you left..." Lucian continued, his voice cracking just enough for me to hear the pain underneath. "It fucked me up. Made me feel like I wasn't worth sticking around for, you know? Like I deserved to be used up and thrown away. After that, I didn't care about anything anymore. Just wanted to numb it all out. Anything to forget the way it felt to be left behind."

The confession hung in the air between us. It cut through every wall I'd tried to put up. Guilt twisted in my gut, making it hard to breathe, and I struggled to find something to say, something to make it right.

But there was no apology that could undo what had happened, no words that could take away that kind of hurt.

"I'm not asking for your apology, Vin." Lucian said quietly. "I just hope one day, maybe, you'll tell me why. Why you left like that. Without a word."

I closed my eyes, the weight of his words settling deep in my chest. I didn't have an answer, at least not one I could give him right now.
The truth was too tangled, too painful to unravel in this moment. But the remorse, the regret...I couldn't hide that.

Without thinking, I shifted, pulling Lucian up onto the bed. He resisted for a second, his body stiff, but I didn't let go. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, holding him close, not in any sexual way, but just... holding him.
His head rested against my chest, and I could feel his breath hitch, the tension slowly easing out of his body as he allowed himself to relax into the embrace.

We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, the quiet between us no longer sharp with tension, but heavy with everything unsaid. I didn't have the right words yet, didn't know how to fix what was broken. But for now, this was all I could offer.

And maybe, for tonight, it was enough.