Make me beg

22. Our boy (NSFW)

Simon

Ash and Jamie's apartment was dark and quiet when we entered the hall. I had first gotten behind the wheel to drive, but quickly realized that I was completely incapable of actually operating the car and asked Ash to do it instead. He had looked almost childishly eager when I asked him, wondering if I was serious. I had just nodded and sunk into the passenger seat and closed my eyes. It was as if every muscle in my body had lost all energy, and I couldn't even be bothered to check that Ash was driving sensibly. And now, standing in their hallway, I suddenly didn't know how to tell them everything again. But I wanted to. Needed to.

Ash kicked off his boots and silently motioned for me to follow him. We hadn't heard anything from Jamie all night, which surprised me. I had assumed he wouldn't be able to keep himself from at least one text but, apparently, he was more determined than that. What had he been doing all night anyway? As we walked past the living room, I saw bowls of chips and bottles of beer on the table, along with several different video game cases. I smiled to myself. He had needed to distract himself after all.

My heart tightened as I cautiously stepped in after Ash in the bedroom. Jamie was sleeping naked in the large double bed, curled up in the fetal position clutching a pillow in his arms. His quiet breathing could be heard faintly in the room, and I drank in every inch of him. Even though I was tired beyond belief, I couldn't help but feel my balls tighten when I saw that he was wearing his collar. Fuck, that was just so goddamn sexy. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Ash pull off his jeans and t-shirt and then carefully crawl into bed next to Jamie.

"Are you coming or what?" he whispered to me with a wry smile.

I woke up from my fixation. I sure as hell was, getting the chance to feel Jamie's skin against mine made my whole body tingle and I undressed so fast I stumbled into the dresser next to me. Ash gave me an annoyed look and Jamie shifted in the bed. Oh, for fuck's sake. This was not the way I wanted to wake him up.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and at the same time Jamie's sleepy eyes fixed on me.

"Simon?" he said in a hushed voice and half sat up in bed.

I nodded and climbed into bed on Jamie's other side. The sheets were warm from him, and I ran a finger along his cheek as Ash hugged him from behind.

"Missed us?" I smiled.

"Of course I have," he replied, and I could almost hear the blush in his voice. "Did you have a... nice time?"

Ash laughed in amusement on his other side, but I didn't quite know how to respond. Nice was not a word I would use about the evening. Abysmal, obliterating and something I would never forget. Necessary. But Ash came to the rescue for me.

"It was enlightening, you might say," he said calmly. "But you don't need to worry, we know where we stand now. Right, Simon?"

He gave me a meaningful look and I nodded. Jamie took my hand and looked at me inquiringly, concern playing in his eyes. I realized that Ash's words had probably caused Jamie more confusion than reassurance, and suddenly I knew that I needed to tell him, even though I would have preferred to do something completely different. I took a slow breath and took both of Jamie's hands and entwined my fingers in his.

"Jamie, there's something I want you to know about me. About whom I was when I was younger."

***

It was both easier and harder to tell him everything again. Easier because it wasn't the first time, putting the words in my mouth didn't feel as uncomfortable, and the black tar that used to smear itself on my insides didn't exist anymore. But Jamie had different questions than Ash had. He went deeper, asking 'why' over and over again until I barely had answers anymore, just painful sighs and one syllable words that answered nothing in reality. But despite feeling like a useless piece of shit in the end, Jamie kissed the back of my hand and said he understood. That nothing had changed for him. And I hardly knew what to do with the warm feeling that bubbled up inside me and I pulled him into my arms in an intense kiss.