Make me beg

15. The usual playmates

Simon

After helping Evelyn with the last of her packing and promising to come over some day with the things she couldn't get in the taxi, I was finally alone in the apartment. I walked slowly around the rooms. The large kitchen with the cooking island separating the kitchen from the even larger living room. The tall windows that looked out onto the downtown skyline and the terrace that we almost never used. It was fully furnished with weatherproof furniture, barbecue and a jacuzzi, but it felt like it was just for show.

In addition to the bedroom, there was a generous guest room with its own bathroom and then my home office. And my kink room, if that even counted. It was the smallest room, if you didn't count the walk-in closet. All furnished in stylish, minimalist furniture. Just surface.

It suddenly felt so desolate and empty to even walk around here. Now I was going to live here alone and I couldn't even see myself in any of the rooms, except the kink room. Why hadn't I put my own stamp on the place? Because it needed to be presentable, show that surface of fortune. I might as well be living in a bloody advertising campaign for an expensive furniture company. I needed to cancel that stupid professional cleaning service that came every week, I could clean this fucking place on my own. Make it mine.

I tore the neatly folded rug from the couch and threw it on one of the armchairs instead, just to make something look like it had been used and threw myself on the couch. What I'd said to Ash earlier still gnawed at me. His icy stare was fixed on my retina, and I cursed myself. It had been fucking unnecessary words, I was painfully aware of that, but I'd just reacted instinctively. Now my single life was a fact, and however I looked at it, I wanted to be with them. No matter how much I tried to tell myself it was a stupid idea. It was what I wanted. Now if Ash could just forgive me for my condescending way with him.

They could come here. Not that I wanted to show off my posh apartment, but maybe their visit could make it feel a bit more lived in for a change. As I pulled my phone out of my pocket, I hesitated. Should I text Ash or Jamie? If I chose Ash, he would see that I was keeping my promise, but at the same time I risked getting something nasty in return. Jamie, then. His answer came quickly.

"We'll bring pizza and beer, do you have video games?"

I grinned. If I said no, he would probably bring his own console home to me out of sheer kindness. But no matter how much Evelyn had nagged me that it was immature, I had insisted on always having the latest console, perhaps out of a pure sense of rebellion so that I wouldn't lose myself completely. So I reassured Jamie of that and then went to finally put my regular clothes back on, after wearing a shirt and jacket for over twenty-four hours.

The tension of their arrival was becoming more and more apparent and I couldn't sit still. There was nothing to do, why didn't I have more things to do here anyway? Surely I should have something to do in my own damn home, but no. Finally I went out onto the terrace and stood looking out over the city.

How would this actually work? Several of my acquaintances were polyamorous, but I had never bothered with the details of it. They could do what they wanted, I'd had my two separate worlds. Now I didn't have that anymore and suddenly I felt completely clueless. It was like the first time I walked into Oubliette, one night a very long time ago. I had been like a deer in headlights. I hadn't had that feeling for many years. Newbie. Jesus Christ.

The doorbell rang and I rushed back into the apartment, standing for a brief second just breathing before opening the door. Outside stood Jamie, with Ash looming behind him with a nonchalant raised eyebrow.

"You live in the most luxurious house in town," Jamie said, impressed.

I smiled embarrassedly as I internally gritted my teeth. Would Ash take it as me throwing more shit in his face? I let them in and walked ahead into the living room. Was this the time to show off the apartment? Was I going to walk with them from room to room and show off my success? Hell no. Instead, I stood in the middle of the living room and watched them while they walked around and looked for themselves. Why did I feel so damn ashamed? After all, it wasn't something I got for free, I'd worked for it. But still I felt like I wanted to sink through the earth.