Can I Be Okay Again?

Tears and Range Don't Mix

It's been a full day since Nathan pulled the stunt he pulled and some how I forgave him. I stayed up all night without any sleep thinking about all of it and then I realized that I acted the way I did because I care and love him...I just don't think I can find it in me to be okay after this. My biggest fear is losing a best friend to suicide or a fight and I thought I did with him and I can't live knowing that I'm still breathing and he isn't. I just can't.

- I grabbed my tablet this morning and I unlocked it to my screen reading "Nathan Pope" at the top and our messages and I started crying. I had my music on and I was just staring at his name on the screen wanting to text him but I just couldn't, I wanted to stop fighting but I couldn't because I loved him to much. After an hour of just staring at my screen I opened my friend Zacks messages and texted him crying telling him how I did what I did because I love him and I couldn't stand the thought of loosing him yesterday. He said he understood the feeling and how I felt saying he would've done the same for the person he loves but I told them this is different because Nathan is all I have left in my life and I can't lose him, I just can't. He kept saying how I had him and Evan but that's not the same as having Nathan...he's there when I cry, when I want to kill myself.

When I see Nathan I got a new feeling of how much I feel safe and happy and okay again but yesterday was so different to the point I didn't even recognize who he was when I saw him at he High school. Zack said I just needed to get the guts to tell him that I cared and why and some I did...

"I know you don't want to talk to me but I need you to know one last thing. When you told me I didn't care and threw you away like trash I didn't know what to st because I wasn't Nathan. I didn't sleep last night trying to think about everything and I couldn't stop thinking about it and how I could show you that I care about you but I already did. That is the problem is that I was overthinking all of it and forgot how I reacted and then I noticed how I reacted Nathan shows I care. When you said that, even if you didn't, how I reacted shows that I care about you more than my own life. As soon as I heard you say Ethan and Georges name I ran out my house to my bike and took off to get to south plantation because I care. I ran through the woods of tanglewood farm because I care. I ran on Monroe road and polenta road because I care. Shit Nathan I almost ran all of south plantation because I care. I saw Evans car and jumped in thinking of every way to find you because I care. I almost called the cops for you and I didn't get out the car and smash your head in because I care and I knew that after if I did and I calmed down I wouldn't have forgiven myself for it. My point is that I do care Nathan and my actions from yesterday show that I freaking care about you. When you said I threw you away like trash me walking home crying and telling Mike while crying shows I didn't. Me calling Evan crying and texting Zack crying shows I didn't."

We didn't talk the rest of the day like expected but it gave me time to prepair for the school day that was waiting to come.