Oh, what a useless child I am.
I don't even deserve a life for being so ungrateful.
Life sucks rn. But who am I to say that? I have a perfect life and I can eat, drink and live normally, while others are fighting for it. do I even deserve all the possessions I have rn? I didn't earn the money, it was my parents who worked hardly and bought me them. Idk why I'm even doing this it's 12:00 am rn but yeah I just want to let everything out ig...
First of all, life sucks because of school. I hate the feeling of distress ihre every time I hear that there are upcoming exams (literally every week), but I have no right to say that. Probably because I'm way too lazy to do even the smallest thing, probably because I'm just way too spoiled, so I don't even know what hard work means. Then again, I myself am the problem, but I never wanted to face it. I must confess that I had to get my IQ tested as a child because the teacher suspected that I had autism/adhd and that shit (she was probably right) and it turned out to be rather high. Everyone I get back my results, I just tell myself that I'm ‚average' and that I'll never be able to get an high grades. But I know I have the potential to actually get a good mark in a test, I'm just too lazy to do anything. I don't even deserve the IQ I possess.
Then there is social life. I hate extroverts and I hate talking to ppl, like leave me alone??? It's not like I'm worth your attention anyways. So there's this girl who keeps wanting to hang out with me and my bestie and I hate it. It's not that she's a bad person, she's so kind nice and sympathetic, but all her yapping makes me want to duct tape her mouth. I may sound like an antisocial freak, but I just hate it when someone talks to me (especially in the morning) without me starting the conversation first. Wow. How selfish of me. Back to her, there are so many other cool people in our class, why do you choose taking to us? I'm tired of having to reply to a question, without having to think how the other person would react and how I wouldn't hurt one's feelings. Yet I hate the awkward silence if no one has something to talk about. What is wrong with me??? I just want to have a someone who could accept me, but is that too much to ask for?...
I'm very aware of the fact that I should talk to my parents about this, but I don't think it would help much. They would just think ,oh well, you just hit puberty. It's just a phase, you'll get over it.'
Wow thank you very much that lifted my mood sooo much. *insert eye roll*
Do I even deserve to vent?
No. I have a perfect life. What can I even vent about??
Why am I doing this?
No clue.
Sometimes I wished I'd just disappear (n25 reference??) or that I'd just gone missing. I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore, since I'm already a huge burden to everyone I know.
My future is hopeless, and so am I. I never once made my parents proud in any way. I don't want to rely on them if I can't find a job and earn my money in the future, I'd just be a even bigger burden to them. I feel sorry for them to have a daughter like me.
I already vented to my bestie today, so why am I doing this again? Did her valuable words mean nothing to me? Am I being too selfish and needy?
Am I too sensitive?
I swear I kin the song ,Kimi Wa Dekinai Ko' (you are a useless/worthless child) by kikuo
My thoughts keep telling me to stop being a whiny bitch about just this little problem, maybe they're right.
I have no right to vent.
To everyone who's close to me: I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass.
How ungrateful I am.
How stupid I am.
How annoying I am.
How sensitive I am.
How harsh I am.
How lazy I am.
How rude I am.
How disrespectful I am. (Especially to my parents)
How mean I am. (Dedicated to my sister who's literally a little child. Whose pathetic ass would argue with a child??)
To my parents:
I'm sorry that I never leisten to you.
I'm sorry for getting into pathetic arguments with you.
I'm sorry for shouting at you.
I'm sorry for disrespecting you sometimes.
Do I even deserve to be happy?
Conclusion: I fucking hate myself. I wish I was a better person, so I could make my parents proud of me, so I can be a better person to my friends and to all the people around me. I wish I could just do that one thing. But that seems impossible. I don't deserve anything but the bad.
Forgive me for being such a useless, worthless and pathetic child.
Dear person who just read this: Please don't feel the same way as I do. Please don't be the person I am rn. Be someone better than me. That would be my only favour (if I even deserve to do that).
