Till I Last (Daily Dose Of Diary)

Phone

I wanted to ask myself why I'm still longing for my phone...

"It's just a phone."

I told myself those words, trying to tell myself how stupid I am to grieve for a phone, a phone that was gifted to me, the gift I have from my parents.

Is it because of the last vlog? Is it because it's my first ever demo or is there more reason behind it?

Is it because of all the pictures I have for years and how I grow, how my face change...

All my achievements in writing was there, from the bottom start till up until now. All my future book covers was still there, every memories I have during my senior year.

All my works in terms of drawing and for my chibis. All my pictures with my cousin since then, those pictures from childhood and up until this october month.

Those videos I have that I cherished the most, that despite my phone having that storage, I still didn't delete those.

Those last vlog I have, I regret because I should have post it that night. I should have post it, or I should have refresh my google photos, so that I save it.

I want to turn back the time, but there's no such thing in this world, because the God is so cruel to me that time.

I wanted to ask why did he do this to me. Like what did I do? I survive the week, I survive the enermous reportings and demo, and yet he still destroyed me.

Like, what did I do to deserve this?

What did I do? Did I do something wrong to receive something like this?

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe it was really me.

Maybe, maybe, maybe I could have prevented things.

Where will I get money to pay for it?

I have lost all my passion, in drawing chibis, into writing, even vlogging, all of it felt like they steal them from me.

I can't get it back, I can go back to things now.

I hate myself a lot because of things, I could have prevented things.

Now I worry about it, will I ever get the money? Will I ever repair it? Will I ever get my files back?

Why everything and everyone is so cruel to me?

I've been good. I've been good, people know it... I'm trying a lot then why everything is so cruel to me?

What did I do? What did I do? Did I do a huge sin in this life?

Is loving, being kind and trying so hard is a crime or a sin in this world?

I'm so exhausted...