Pure Writerly Moments 3

The Fictional Research and Development Department

Hark, fiction writers! The future of creative innovation is here!

From now on, a part of your mind will serve as your "Fictional Research and Development" ...department. Elevating it to a full-scale "Department" is optional, but it might help for staffing, budget, and tax purposes if you plan to dedicate significant resources to its groundbreaking endeavors.

At the moment, its budget consists of your hopes, dreams, bits of sanity, fragments of rational thought, soap shavings, belly button lint, bottle caps, paper clips, candy wrappers, and that peculiar rock on your desk.

A sock-eating troll named Harold works there, who has been munching on your socks since childhood. No one believed he existed—yet here he is, now your coworker.

This mental space holds tools: instruments for hammering out imaginary dents; seeds for transforming boredom into poetry, prose, plays, and stories. There's a pill—a suppository, really—that turns memories into three-act plays, a blender that converts minor traumas into epic tragedies, and a treadmill that burns calories into gateways to other dimensions.

When you step into this mental department (which you might consider upgrading to a "Department" for tax reasons), Harold the troll stuffs an old gym sock in your mouth. "Tastes like a story, doesn't it?" You spit it out. "Not ripe enough," you reply, wondering if you'll ever be close colleagues with this odd, sock-obsessed troll.

You don't have much time to think about how your relationship with Harold the sock-troll will evolve because Vintencio Santiago de los Corazón de la Sagrada Esparda y Custodio del Siete Magnifico III jumps from behind the water cooler with his sword drawn. "I am Vintencio Santiago de los Corazón de la Sagrada Esparda y Custodio del Siete Magnifico III. I am the greatest swordsman your imagination could produce on a shoestring budget. I am your sword muse for the afternoon! Prepare to die!" You quickly draw your own sword and engage him in epic sword play.

Ching - clang - ping. The swords make a tender song as they clash.

And as your epic duel evolves, you wonder out loud, "How does this help me think of story ideas?" He laughs, "Have you never heard of indirect concentration? As you are fighting me, the stories are unconsciously forming in your mind. Besides, every writer must bleed for their craft!" And as he nicks your shoulder, you realize he means this quite literally.

Ching - clang - ping. Your swords make more tender music as they clash.

However, it also turns out that Vintencio Santiago de los Corazón de la Sagrada Esparda y Custodio del Siete Magnifico III is a creature of bureaucracy. He checks his immaculately crafted watch. "The Department says I get a five-minute break every hour. Excuse me, sénior, it is time for a mini-siesta." The only thing thatVintencio Santiago de los Corazón de la Sagrada Esparda y Custodio del Siete Magnifico III is more famous for than his sword play is his ability to make departmentally regulated five-minute breaks seem like three-hour long naps.

You too are about to enjoy a five-minute break when suddenly Coach Ironside, a beefy man with the intensity of a drill sergeant bursts out from his office. He begins by flipping over a desk (to which Vintencio Santiago de los Corazón de la Sagrada Esparda y Custodio del Siete Magnifico III yells, "Not so loud, you will interrupt my siesta!").

"Come on! You think greatness happens by accident? No! Write like your life depends on it! What's that? A tired plot? Well, spice it up! Make your characters bleed! Make them feel! Do you want to be ordinary, or do you want to be legendary? There's no stopping until you get the job done!"

Then he blows a whistle, "Stream-of-consciousness, free writing, now! I don't want to see you lift that pencil from the page. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, in the process you will find the ideas. There is no quit in free writing! There is no quit while you're doing your stream of consciousness. Move that pencil, move that pencil, movie that pencil...don't stop to edit...editing is for managers and accountants...you will embrace your inner child...or you will give me 100 pushups, your choice!"