My Journey to Me

Chapter VI: Casting Away

The days following her conversation with Jin Fan felt like an internal tug-of-war for Zishang. Part of her wanted to continue hoping that he would one day make room for her in his life, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that was a path that could only lead to disappointment. She couldn't let herself wait around for someone who wasn't ready to meet her halfway.

She had always been someone who was active, someone who believed in living fully in the moment. And for the first time in her life, Zishang felt like she was stagnating, waiting for someone else to make a move. It was a familiar, uncomfortable feeling—the sense that she was losing control of her own destiny.

So, she decided it was time to pull away. To stop reaching out, to stop waiting by the phone for his messages that always seemed to come too late or not at all. She had her own life to live, and if Jin Fan couldn't see that, then she would have to move on without him.

It wasn't easy. The idea of letting go of someone she had grown fond of—someone who had a piece of her heart—felt like a small ache that refused to go away. But every time she thought about the way he had spoken to her, the way he was so absorbed in his work that he couldn't even take a moment to look at her, Zishang knew it was the right choice.

She had enough of being the one who gave, while he took whatever she offered without ever truly giving anything in return.

The next time their paths crossed, it was at a family event. Zishang had been busy with her own duties, navigating the complex dynamics of the Gong family, and trying to juggle her own personal aspirations with the responsibilities of her name. She knew Jin Fan would be there—he had become a fixture in her family's social circle—but she had been avoiding him for the past few days.

Tonight, however, was different.

Zishang stood in the corner of the ballroom, feeling the weight of her decision. The sounds of laughter and music filled the air, but her mind was elsewhere. She had spent the last few days working on herself—growing stronger, more centered—and now, she was determined to stay true to that growth.

Her eyes scanned the room until they landed on him. Jin Fan was talking with her father, his back to her as he laughed at something Mr. Gong had said. He was charming, as always, his charisma filling the space around him. But Zishang didn't feel the usual pull, the flutter in her chest that had been so familiar. Instead, there was a sense of calmness, almost as if her heart had grown numb to the ache of wanting him.

He didn't see her at first. But when their eyes met, something flickered in his expression—surprise, curiosity, maybe even a hint of recognition. He excused himself from her father and made his way over to her, his long strides purposeful.

"Zishang," he greeted, his voice warm, but there was an edge of uncertainty. "It's been a while."

She nodded, offering him a polite smile. "Yes, it has."

Jin Fan paused for a moment, as though weighing his words carefully. "I've been meaning to check in. We never finished our conversation the other day."

Zishang glanced at him, her smile never faltering, but her eyes betraying something more guarded. "I've been busy," she said, her voice light, breezy. "Lots of things to take care of."

His eyes softened, his gaze steady. "I've missed our talks," he admitted, his voice low. "We should catch up sometime, soon."

Zishang felt the familiar tug in her chest, but she quickly pushed it aside. "I'm not sure when I'll have the time," she replied, her tone casual. "You know how it is."

Jin Fan looked at her, a flicker of confusion crossing his face. "You're being distant," he said softly. "Is something wrong?"

For a moment, Zishang hesitated. She could feel the urge to tell him everything—the frustration, the disappointment, the longing that she had kept hidden. But then, she remembered the promise she had made to herself. She couldn't keep waiting for him. She couldn't keep hoping that he would come around.

"No," she said, her voice steady. "Nothing's wrong. I just think I need some time to focus on other things."

His brows furrowed. "Other things? Like what?"

Zishang smiled, the expression still gentle but far more distant than it had ever been with him. "Myself," she answered simply. "I've realized that I need to put more time into discovering who I am. And that doesn't involve waiting around."

Jin Fan opened his mouth to say something, but Zishang gently held up her hand, cutting him off. She didn't want to hear any more apologies or promises of change. She had made up her mind.

"Don't worry about me," she said softly. "I'll be fine. We'll both be fine."

For a moment, they stood in silence, the space between them growing wider with every passing second. Then, Jin Fan gave a small nod, his expression unreadable.

"Okay," he said quietly, his voice tinged with something Zishang couldn't quite place. "Take care, Zishang."

And with that, he turned and walked away, leaving her standing alone in the crowd.

Zishang exhaled slowly, her heart thudding in her chest. There was no turning back now. She had made the choice, and she would stick to it.

As the night wore on, Zishang felt a sense of peace settle over her. It wasn't easy—nothing in her life ever was—but this was the right decision. She had let go, not because she didn't care, but because she cared enough to choose herself.

And that was the most important step in her journey.