The Shadow Hashira - Tengen X Reader X Sanemi

54

As our lips parted, the world around me seemed to crash back into focus, and a wave of guilt surged up, cutting through the haze.

Tengen.

The thought of him crept in, unbidden, threading itself through my thoughts like a dark shadow. His warmth, his touch, his laugh—everything about him lingered at the edges of my mind, and the feelings I had for him fought against the pull I'd just felt with Sanemi. It was as though two parts of me were warring, each claiming their own space in my heart, leaving me feeling torn, raw, and utterly overwhelmed.

I stumbled back, putting distance between us, my heart racing as confusion overwhelmed me. Sanemi looked at me, his face still softened from the kiss, his hand lifting as if to reach for me again.

But I couldn't. The weight of it was too much, too complicated, and I couldn't bear it.

"I... I have to go," I choked out, stepping back as his hand dropped, the air between us suddenly heavy with unspoken words. The intensity of the moment was suffocating, and I could feel the emotions brimming, too much to contain.

"Y/N," he murmured, his voice low, the softness in it cutting through me like a knife.

I shook my head, swallowing hard as I turned away. Before he could reach for me, before I could give in to the tangled mess of emotions that threatened to consume me, I took off, my feet pounding against the ground as I ran. I ran like I was trying to escape myself, faster than I ever had before, feeling my surroundings blur around me as I pushed forward, my chest tight with emotions I couldn't name.

The night air was cold against my skin, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as I sped through the grounds, the confusion swirling inside me, each thought, each feeling tangled together in a knot that I couldn't hope to unravel.

Tengen. Sanemi.

The feelings I couldn't sort, the strange pull toward each of them, the pressure of expectations and the weight of my own heart—it was all too much. And as I ran, my only thought was to escape, to outrun the ache in my chest, to leave behind the overwhelming confusion that threatened to consume me whole.

----

The night air bit sharply against my skin as I pushed myself harder, the world around me fading into a blur as I ran, desperate to escape the whirlwind of emotions tearing through me. My heart thundered in my chest, pounding against my ribs as if it, too, was trying to escape. But no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't shake the feelings clawing at me, pulling me back into the confusion I couldn't outrun.

Images of Tengen's face flashed in my mind—his warm smile, his steady presence, the way he made me feel safe. But even that safety felt fragile now, crumbling under the weight of everything I didn't know, everything I was still running from.

And then there was Sanemi. His touch, his intensity, the unspoken understanding that had surged between us, unexpected and raw. I could still feel the heat of his closeness, the tension that had crackled between us like lightning. It unsettled me, shook me in ways I didn't understand.

But it was more than just Tengen and Sanemi; it was everything. The uncertainty of my past, the memories of my family that haunted me—brief flashes of warmth and love torn away by darkness. I could barely even remember their faces now, only vague impressions, blurred like a half-forgotten dream. The ache of their absence lingered like a wound that had never fully healed, a shadow that followed me no matter where I went.

Who am I, really? A protector, a shadow, a warrior—but even those titles felt distant, like armour I put on but never fully wore. I fought for the Corps, for the memory of the family I'd lost, but I didn't know what else I was supposed to be. I didn't know what my own heart wanted, where I belonged. There were so many pieces of myself I couldn't understand, so many questions that seemed to drift just out of reach, slipping away every time I tried to grasp them.

I stumbled, my feet catching on uneven ground, and stopped, my breath coming in ragged gasps as I leaned forward, hands on my knees. The tears I'd been holding back finally fell, hot and silent, streaking down my face as I stared into the darkness, feeling more lost than I'd ever felt.

I had spent so much time hiding, burying my emotions, locking away the parts of myself that felt vulnerable. And now, with both Tengen and Sanemi, with the demands of the trials, with the memories that kept surfacing, I felt as if everything I'd kept hidden was rising up, refusing to be ignored any longer.

What do I want? I asked myself, my fists clenched at my sides. But the answer wouldn't come. My heart pulled in different directions, my past casting shadows over my choices, and the uncertainty tangled around me like chains. I wasn't just lost in this moment—I'd been lost for so long, drifting between memories and battles, never quite finding my own path.

I lifted my gaze to the sky, the stars scattered across the darkness like tiny shards of light, so far away they felt unreachable. The cold air wrapped around me, and for the first time in a long while, I allowed myself to feel the weight of it all, to let the questions and doubts settle in, instead of trying to push them away.

I don't know where I belong. I don't know what my heart truly wants. But standing here, lost and alone under the vast sky, I felt the stirrings of something else—a determination, fragile but real, to find the answers. Even if it hurt, even if it meant facing the parts of myself I'd hidden away, I knew I couldn't keep running forever.

With a deep, shuddering breath, I straightened, my heart still heavy but steadier. One step at a time. One question at a time.

I ran until the earth beneath me turned to rock, until the ground rose up and fell away into a steep drop, revealing the expanse of the valley below. The wind roared around me, cold and fierce, as I stood on the edge of the cliff, looking out over the shadowed landscape that stretched endlessly under the night sky. My chest rose and fell with each sharp breath, my body trembling from more than just exhaustion.

The tears were still there, hot and unbidden, and I could feel them at the edges, threatening to spill over. I clenched my fists, grinding my teeth as I swallowed them down. No. I wouldn't cry. Not here, not now. Not after everything.

"What the hell is this?" I screamed, the sound of my voice barely rising over the wind. "What kind of life is this?" My voice broke, and I could feel the ache in my chest intensify, every wound, every scar, everything I'd lost crashing down on me at once.

I clenched my fists tighter, nails digging into my palms as I let the fury rise, let it drown out the ache for just a moment. "I didn't ask for this!" I shouted, the words torn from me like they'd been trapped for years. "I didn't deserve this!"

My throat felt raw, my voice echoing back from the rocks like a hollow answer, and I gritted my teeth, cursing everything—the demons, the endless fight, the confusion that kept gnawing at me. I cursed the world that had taken everything from me, the memories that haunted me, the way my own heart felt like a battlefield I could never win. I cursed the tears that tried to fall, the softness I tried to bury, the confusion that clawed at me with each step I took closer to finding myself.

It wasn't fair. It was never fair. I hadn't asked for a life filled with death and vengeance, with memories too heavy to carry and feelings I didn't know how to understand. I hadn't asked for this empty, lonely path that seemed to stretch on forever.

The wind howled, pulling at my hair, my clothes, my voice fading into the vast emptiness around me. I squeezed my eyes shut, biting down hard to keep the tears at bay. I wasn't going to cry. I wouldn't give in, wouldn't let myself feel that weakness—not when I'd fought so hard to build myself up, to survive, to be more than the shadows I hid in.

But standing here, on the edge of this cliff with nothing but the night and the emptiness below, I felt as if I was on the brink of something else—a breaking point, maybe, or the edge of a truth I couldn't escape.

"I don't deserve this," I whispered, the words almost lost to the wind, my voice breaking. "I don't deserve any of it."

And for the first time, I let the tears fall. I let them spill over, hot and bitter, feeling the weight of every scar, every memory, every moment I'd tried to bury. It was a release, painful and raw, but real, the grief and the fury washing over me, demanding to be felt.

The tears fell, each one carrying a piece of the weight I'd been holding alone for so long. And as I stood there, with the vast sky above and the endless night below, I felt the first stirrings of something like acceptance, a tiny, fragile feeling that maybe, just maybe, I didn't have to carry it all alone.