A Look Inside My Head

My Wolf Phase

When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be a wolf. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what exactly placed this desire so deeply embedded into my heart. Maybe it was part of my vivid dissociative imagination in an attempt to escape from my life at home. Maybe I just wanted to be a wolf. This probably started when I was about 6 years old. Surprisingly, I've seen quite a few accounts of people going through this phase when they were younger. This is a description of how my experience was.
   I was OBSESSED with wolves. I would read every article my grimy little hands could get on. I would watch every nature documentary our shitty little box tv could pick up on. I would run around on all fours in humiliatingly inappropriate places (ie. Grocery stores, doctors' offices, family gatherings, etc) and nobody would stop me. I was unhinged. I would stare deeply into the eyes of dogs, telepathically begging them to "teach me their ways." I tried to teach my cousin how to speak wolf, and couldn't understand why she told me I was weird. I didn't want baby dolls. I would carry my stuffed animal "pups" in my mouth, and make "dens" behind the recliner. I was FULLY convinced that if I ran across a pack of wolves, I had enough knowledge about their body language, vocals, and "culture" that they would 1000% accept me as their own. I went as far as thinking that if I did strange made-up challenges, I would magically morph into a wolf by sheer willpower.
These challenges included (but were not limited to):
eating ants
putting ground mint into my eyeballs (I thought that would turn my eyes green, too)
Flexing every muscle in my tiny body and thinking really hard about becoming a wolf
Squishing butterflies (I thought if I sacrificed something I liked, I'd be rewarded with what I wanted)

  I was homeschooled, and although I thought everyone was my friend, I didn't make very many friends.