Stars We Can't See Yet

Introduction of me

My name is Abel and I'm having a quarter-life crisis. I know it sounds dramatic, maybe even a little ridiculous, but it's real. I've lost interested in becoming who I'd always thought I be. For the past four years of my life, I've watched my life spiral in a direction I never expected. I lost best friends, became a dipshit and turned into the worst version of myself. I was reckless, careless-just a walking disaster.

I used to feel invincible. When I was 21, I'd climb this hill back in my hometown of Austin, Texas. It was my favorite spot, a place where I could see the whole city stretch out before me like a map of my future. I look out into that Texas sky, feeling like I was on top of the world, convinced I could see every step of my life laid out clearly. I'd smile, thinking, I've got this. But as the years went by, everything started going the other way. It felt like the universe took one look at my plans and decided, let's mess this up at bit.

Everything I touched felt cursed. Every decision I made seemed like the wrong one. I became this angry, bitter version of myself I didn't recognize. And the worst part? No one noticed. Or maybe they did, but they didnt care until I started acting differently, like I was a stranger to them. It's funny how people don't care about you until you stop fitting into their life.

I guess this isn't just a diary—it's more like a letter to my future self. A little reminder of this time when I felt stuck, when everything felt heavy, and the days were just dragging on. I'm hoping I'll be able to write every day, but let's be real, I probably won't. And then I'll beat myself up about it cause that's what I do.I wish I was perfect. I really do. But so does everyone else, right? .

I find myself wishing I could go back to the past, drowning in nostalgia for a time when things felt simpler. I've run through half of my twenties feeling like I'm empty inside, not wanting to live but to scared to die. It's like a part of me got lost along the way, and I've been searching for it ever since. I try every day to get better, to make a change, but it feels like I blow it all up in just 15 minutes of self-sabotage, and then I'm back at square one.

It's tough—thinking you have everything figured out only to watch it all crumble in an instant. The truth is, I try, but also I fail, a lot. But this is who I am. And maybe one day, if you ever stumble on this page, you'll rememver that it's okay to feel lost. It's okay to have moments when you're stuck.  This isn't a guide on how to live your life. Trust me, I'm the last person you want to take advice from right now. 
But I'm writing this because I need to. I need to remind myself that I'm still here, still breathing, still fighting to find some meaning in all this. I can't keep letting life pass me by while I sit in the dark, wallowing in everything that went wrong. I'll be 25 in a few days, the same age when the stories of  my favorite TV shows Friends and How I Met Your Mother began. It's ironic. Those characters were at the starting line of their big adventures, stumbling through mistakes, love, and finding themselves. I can't help but hope that maybe down the road,  I'll find my Rachel Green or my Robin Scherbatsky, someone who makes the chaos make sense.

But deep down, I know someone like that won't magically fix everything. It's easy to get lost in those euphoria-fueled daydreams,  imagining that meeting the right person will pull me out of this giant pit I've created. And maybe it will, someday.  But for now, I don't need a perfect story to get back on track. I just need to get back to the basics.

So today, let's make it small. Making it out of bed. Making the bed. It's not much, but it's a beginning. And maybe that's enough for now. One tiny, imperfect step forward.