Roses Have Thorns

Chapter 5

Something in me has shifted slightly.

My leg bounces to the once troubling beating of my heart, reminding me that I am alive. A fact that would have completely disgusted and terrified me, just yesterday. Now, however, the rhythmic thumping inside serves as a gentle lullaby, that somewhat eases my growing anxiety. I still feel the need to stop it, but right now, it's a small feeling. Not so intimidating anymore.

It's strange, almost... unnatural and I wonder if it will last much longer.

I wait in the empty room for the doctor to see me. There's a blank TV screen on a swivel, directly in front of me. I was told that he'd show up on it soon, though I see no sign of him yet. It's been a few minutes so far and I'm beginning to become impatient.

On the walls, there are hanging pictures of a family; happy and loving. They kind of look like stock photos;  the way they seem to be so happy feels completely unnatural. Then, on the desk, there are several piles of paper. Taking a leaning look at them- curiosity getting the better of me- I can see motivational quotes, lists of coping mechanisms, and informational scripts that litter the white of the paper with the blackness of printer ink. I can't understand- if he's not here- then why does he need all this stuff?

Everything is scattered around the place, like the thoughts and feelings in me right now.

It's difficult for me, to wait on this doctor. My mind is racing and filled with contradictions in the absence of people. Now, in the silence, it's running every which way. It's confusing and unsettling, to say the very least.

I feel anxious and unnerved. Yet, at the same time, I feel calm and collected. Like my thoughts are finally clearing the fog I once had. I feel as if the world has already ended or maybe...it's just begun...

Which are my true feelings and which are the product of circumstances?

How do I tell the difference?

And how, in the cacophony of all my thoughts, do I decide whether to lie or not, when I see him?? How could I possibly make any logical decision right now; let alone a decision that can give- or take- my life; where logic is severely lacking? The mental labyrinth I had experienced in the shower, returns. The pressure now intensifies all around me and begs- once again- to drive me mad.

I sort-of feel like Alice, trying to understand and unravel the insanity of my environment and the space inside my mind. "We're all mad here." I can almost hear the words as they repeat in my mind- the voice of the Cheshire cat reverberating through me.

Suddenly, as if to purposely startle me, the TV screen flicks on and a man appears. I jump at the sudden change and immediately begin sweating. The time is now. I HAVE to make a decision.

"Good Morning Mr......"

I swallow the lump in my throat, to help him pronounce my last name properly.

"Coh-fin" I sound it out slowly, so I'm sure he understands. "It looks like Coffin, I know, but it's not."

He nods, silently, then continues talking. "Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and why you're here, Mr. Cofin?" I shift in my seat. Suddenly, I'm warm and HIGHLY uncomfortable. I've told this story time and time again; in the measly span of 24 hours. Though, for some reason, now that I am in front of a doctor- now that my words hold the utmost meaning- I am unsure of how to say it.

"Mr. Cofin?" He asks out again. My eyes dart back to the screen as I realize I've gone silent.

God, my heart is beating out of my chest now! What do I do??

My eyes flicker away from his view and I notice that my breathing has become a bit labored. Instinct kicks in and I begin to deep breathe, trying my best to do what my body finally remembers to do.