Arrays of Algolagnia

Chapter 3 ...but its only easy if you let it.

I can hear Frank out in the driveway fixing the brakes on our car. When I step in to the driveway, to pick up the can of paint and a roller brush, he waves at me. its been a week and its like ive been living with a stranger. We haven't really spoken and to be honest, I'm just tired of fighting. I give him a sad wave back and then he turn back towards the car. I watch him for several more seconds before I head back into the house.

I head straight to what was supposed to be the nursery. ive decided I need to give up on trying. It feels like that's all I do as of late, try and fail. I pour the paint into the pan and grab the roller and begin to paint over the soft blue walls. I get a little emotional as the feeling of being a failure tries to choke the life from me.

I release the breath I was holding, as I assess the first coat. I go back over it all again and the more of the blue is covered up, the quicker my dreams of being a mother seem to slip through my fingers. Doing this feels like I'm telling the universe that I don't want a baby. And if they don't listen to any of my other wishes and prayers, I'm sure they will happily oblige me this.

A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe it away angrily. There is no more room for tears and sadness. These white walls is a start to a new day. a new beginning. At least that's what I try to convince myself. but really, this feels like the end of my marriage and the end of my dream of being a mother.

There is a soft knock on the door. startled I turn and see Frank there. I had forgotten he was here. I frown at him as I think bitterly to myself, he is only hear because his car needs work. as soon as its up and running again, he will be out of here. I turn back towards the room, ignoring him and trying to think what can I do with this spare room.

Frank comes inside and looks at the very white walls and asks, "feel better."

I glance over at him and say, "no." I move towards the paint, and he grabs my hand, and ask, "why are you torturing yourself?"

I pull my hand from his grip, "Look Frank, You don't want to be here, and this just isn't working anymore."

"because I missed one anniversary? Come on... grow up."

Pissed, I yell, "this isn't just about a missed anniversary! You're never here!"

"I'm here now."

"oh please. as soon as you get that car running, you will be gone, and I will be here alone as usual." I pick up the can of paint and head to the garage.

I can feel Frank behind me as he huff, "I'm sure jack will be all too eager to help you pick up the broken pieces."

"what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I drop the can of paint in the kitchen as I turn to face him.

"Don't play dumb. I see the way he looks at you." he begins walking towards the bedroom and I follow closely behind him.

I scoff, "I cant believe were having this argument again. for the last time, there is nothing going on between me and Jack."

"how do I know that? how do I know he isn't here with you when I'm not?" he removes his dirty shirt and tosses it in the clothes bin.

"maybe if you were here, you would know all I do is sit here alone waiting for you to participate in this marriage."

"I participate!" is his only comeback and I cant help but laugh in his face. he glares at me and says, "I'm sorry we all cant be like Jack."

I turn away from him, "oh my god. Why do this always come back to Jack?"

"because I see how you look at him too! you admire him! you're proud of him! you use to look at me like that too. but ever since we lost ..."

I shove him, "don't you dare bring my baby into this!!"