Arrays of Algolagnia

Chapter 7 Are you lonesome tonight?

I don't know what's worst and more pathetic, frank actually packing his things and leaving or the fact that I wanted him to stay and actually fight for me. in order to give him time to get his things together, I took a cab to where my car was parked outside the bar where I had left it and then checked into a hotel. I gave him an extra day, just to be sure, but now I'm wondering, if I would've come home yesterday, would he still be here waiting for me trying to work things out.

I take a second to think it over and then decide, probably not. I walk through my house and turn on a few lights as I go. Theres dishes in the sink, an empty container of orange juice on the counter. It smells like stale coffee in here and my Livingroom is still covered in shattered glass from the window. I sigh as I walk over to the front room window and examine the damage. To my surprise, Frank has already boarded up the window. I make a mental note to call someone to replace it in the morning.

I grab the broom and begin to sweep up the glass. Silent tears run down my cheek, and I can't help but feel angry at myself. I haven't cried at all in two days and not look at me. the moment I step back into this house, I'm back to being a wuss. I tell myself to stop it as I wipe the tears away. this is what you wanted. You told him to leave and now he's gone.

At that thought, I drop the broom and cover my face with my hands and sob. I fall to my knees on the broken glass, and I can feel them tear through my skin. I cry out in pain and scoot back towards the back of the couch, as I dust off what I can, of the glass indented in my knees. I pull out one shard of glass and hiss from the pain and toss it in the pile of swept up glass.

I place my hand of the cut to staunch the bleeding as I'm not ready to leave my hiding spot behind the couch. I stare out the window at the orange sky as the sun begins to set. This feeling of loneliness feels weird, seeing as I'm often alone. somehow, this feels different. this feels worst. This must be what abandonment feels like. but that little voice in the back of my mind says, 'he abandoned you a long time ago.'

Once the sun is gone and the sky takes on a dark blue tint, I finally get up and walk over to the kitchen sink and wash my hands. then I do the one thing, I've been avoiding since I walked in. I go into the bedroom and the scent of him hits me. I immediately turn and head to the bathroom to wash up and clean my wound. Once I'm changed into my pajamas, I head back into the Livingroom to finish cleaning up. once I'm done distracting myself overcleaning the Livingroom and kitchen, I lay down on the couch and reach for my phone. I put my phone on silent, just in case He might try to call to talk me out of this, but he never did.

I have a few missed calls from my mother, Billie and jack. Billie leaves a message inviting her to go shopping for a party apparently being thrown by jack and his new girlfriend. I frown as I listen to the message twice then shoot her a text letting her know it's a date. Jack message is letting me know he is throwing a party, but he doesn't say anything about Billie's sister. Then I listen to my mother's message about me not calling her enough. Feeling like shit, I decide to do so now.

we talk about her and her friends getting together every Sunday to play cards and gossip. She tells me all the scandalous little hearsays and I try to be as present as possible. She asks me about work and Frank and for a second, I almost break. A huge part of me wants to cry into my mothers' shoulder and tell her everything, but I can't. my pride won't let me. I feel like the biggest fool, to let this go one for as long as it did. deep down, I am so ashamed of how my life has turned out compared to my brother. Married and successful. Him and his wife agreed a long time ago that they didn't want kids and have been living happily with that decision for the better part of 10 years.

Me on the other hand, my marriage is over, I can't have kids, despite the doctors saying nothing is wrong with me, and I still haven't gone anywhere in my career. What makes this more pathetic, I moved here to further my career. I can't help but think I was better off staying in New York. So, when my mother asks me about these things, I say, "everything's great mommy."